This is the beloved air I breathe
2003-01-29 06:33:46 (UTC)

A Pure Bride For the King

"Do not fear for you will not be ashamed. Neither be
disgraced for you will not be put to shame: for your will
forget the shame of your youth and will not remember the
reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your maker is
your husband, the Lord of Hosts is His name: and your
redeemer is the Holy one of Israel; He is called the God
of the whole earth" Isaiah 54:4,5

This verse always freaked me out. I hated hearing
references to Jesus being called our husband. I didn't
want to think of God in a Sexual way and the two together
would just send me into a fit.

Over Christmas break, God has been teaching me so much.
there is too much to discuss in one sitting, but I will
describe some of it.
Remember the guy that I've been talking about the past
year? Well, I've had a change of heart.

I guess I should start at the beginning. I read this book
and It's called "Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry" and
it's written for girls who have any kind of sexual
exposure. This book has literally helped me to change my
way of thinking and also get a serious grip on things
going on in my life right now.
For the past year I have been longing for a man. I have
referred so often to, and thought so much about my 'future
husband'. Remember when I said that over the summer God
made it abundantly clear to me that the whole thing with
the guy was totally of God? Well I still believe it was,
but I have a renewed perspective on things. Just because
it was of God, that does not mean that we were destined to
marry each other. There are many other reasons why God
could have produced those feelings in me. Maybe He needed
the love that I had to offer him last year. Through our
friendship, he has come to realize a few key things about
himself, there are a million and one reasons, but most
importantly think of all that God has done in ME through
all of this! This summer as I cried out to God, I felt
God giving me this response " I know your heart little
one, but what it is you really, really want, I put there.
I promise to grant you the desires of your heat but I want
to give you my absolute best!" This summer, I took that
to mean that God had put in me a desire for this guy and
that I was going to be with him. As my lens of focus has
widened a little bit, I realize that it could have meant
something entirely different. Keep in mind, God did not
change his message or actions at all, I simply
misinterpreted them. That was not a sin, but simply my
Here is something that was written in the book mentioned
above: " you long for a deeper love, intimacy and
communion than a man can bring to you. You long for a
safer haven than those found on earth. You cry out for
the love of a heavenly prince....He longs desperately for
you as well. He is the very one who planted this seed of
desire deep in the recesses of your soul and he alone can
fulfill your longings" (Bevere 16).

All this time I thought that I was being prepared to
receive my future husband. I thought that I was preparing
myself to become a mother and a wife(Which still may be
happening) but all the while God has been doing something
much more exciting in me. He has been preparing me for a
deeply passionate relationship with Himself! When I say
Passionate, I don't mean Sexual, I mean, my deepest
longings and passions not only submitted to the King, but
fulfilled by Him as well!

I'm not sure how much I have revealed about my past
personal life, but I will say now, only because it's
important for understand what I will say next that I have
had sex. (Please don't think I'm advocating, it was NOT
beneficial to my spiritual growth, and I'm still feeling
the effects of it) As is explained in the book, when the
area of sexual passion is awakened within us, it's not
meant to be shut down again. Sex is a continual process
which is to bond a husband and wife together. When I
awakened this part of my spirit, and then Jon and I broke
up, that part of me didn't just go to sleep again. Not
only was my body physically longing to be fulfilled but
also my spirit had a deep chasm of emptiness which had
been gouged when I gave a part of myself away and then was
horrified to realize that it was not going to come back to
me. Lisa Bevere says this: "God wants to tell you a
bedtime story, to rock back to sleep what's been so rudely
awakened. One to softly lull passions back to a place of
waiting and resting in slumber, a story to restore a dream
like state what was awakened before it's time. A place
where fears are calmed and hope is restored. A haven
where shame is not permitted, and everything is fresh, new
and clean as flowers after a spring rain"

To hear this brought me to tears. It says in the bible
that God brings us to full restoration in Him. I always
thought I believed that but the words " I know that I lost
something precious I will never be able to get back"
reflect my apparent unbelief in God's restoration powers.
Through this book I was reminded that those passions that
were deep in me could be put back to sleep. As I read,
and prayed, God did begin to put those passions back to
sleep in me.
As this happened, a few other things happened:
First, I realized that God is so much more awesome than
any other relationship in the world. All of the desires
that are in me, were created by God, so that I could have
this deeply intimate and amazing relationship with him.
See yet another quote from the book "This heavenly prince
will never disappoint of hurt you. He forged your deepest
desires and has always been your dream, just as you have
been His". Do you grasp what this is saying? WE DON'T
FULFILLED!!! (and if you are a guy, vice versa) This is a
wild concept, and it will not make sense until you ask God
to reveal it to the depths of your soul and let it come
alive in you, but it's the most freeing experience in the
Your deepest longing passions are pure and Holy.
As you completely give yourself over to the Holy one who
wants to woo your heart, you will find the ultimate
freedom. Have you ever been involved in the very first
stages of a relationship? Remember the feeling you get
the first few days? Every time you think of that person,
you get a smile on your face as you think "oh yeah, he
loves me".
It should be that way with God. He knows everything about
you and he has done everything to love you! Every time
you think of it there should be an extra bounce in your
step as you think "oh yeah, He loves me".

So, here is how all this has affected my attitude towards
that guy I've been interested in: It doesn't matter!
Imagine that. I tried to tell other's that I'm over him.
Some believe me and some think it's weird to hear that
coming out of my mouth. Truth be told, the longings are
gone, but once in a while when he walks in the room, or I
see his name on caller ID my heart still jumps. I'm not
concerned about it though. I mean, I don't need to hold
onto feelings for this guy because I think I'm going to be
with Him. If I'm supposed to be, I'm sure when the time
comes, I won't have a problem being attracted to him.
Right now, I'm focusing on my true knight in shining armor
right now. I'm reminded of the lyrics of yet another song
with which I will conclude:

There is a fire that burns within me
I have felt it from the start
A passion for a romance
with the maker of my heart
a sweet and soulful longing
it entices me to dance
the hands of Jesus holding
In the holiest romance

(chorus)Oh Jesus take my spirit in a sacred dance
Make me faithful in the Holiest romance
Oh Jesus take my spirit in a sacred dance
Yours forever in the Holiest romance

You pursued me like a lover
When another held my heart
You sought me like a treasure
A beloved work of art
You cast your gaze upon me
And you offer me this dance
The truest of companions
In the Holiest romance
(back to chorus)