ViVica's Thoughts
2001-09-17 07:25:52 (UTC)

All is fair in love and war

Well here it is...My own online Journal....BTW I am
Australian... just thought I would share that first...
This is my first bare with me and my rambling.
Its been a shit of a day... I mean all I can think about is
what LuKe said lastnite {ok LuKe is my ex ex....we were
together for something like 7mths, I really love this guy,
then he dumped me :-( so thats who he is } I mean why did
he have to wait till now to ask me if I believe in 3rd
chances? So I sent him a msg today (a sms from my mobile to
his ) telling him we need to talk. He said he was sorry for
saying what he said and that we both know it wouldnt work.
I told him I didnt care about that, just that there was
some stuff I wanted to talk to him about...he said wats
there to talk about? even you said we both have to moove
on... ARE ALL GUYS THAT STOOPPIID??? Ohhh man, ok so maybe
it wouldnt work a third time. All the things that caused us
to fite in the 1st place aint gunna change. He is still
gunna do the same stuff over and over....its gunna be the
same shit again. I wont put myself thru that for a 3rd
time. But man, I still love him to bits.....and I will
never let go of him. NEVER...coz I made him a promise, and
that promise was to always love him...and I have so far
kept it. I just wish he would come round and see me so we
could go for a drive and talk...there is soo much I wanna
say to him. And even though I was trying to tell him, and
everyone that I was soo over him and moved on, I lied. I am
not over him, and I havnt moved on. I refuse to let go. And
its going to hurt me like hell in the end....but this is
the first guy I have ever felt sooo much emotions for.
Love/Hate all in one. Usually when I get dumped, I am over
it in a matter of weeks or days. But 4 months???? Its
driving me crazy........
Not much is doing right now, I am waiting for Simon to
get back online...Ohhh man this guy Simon is a farken
legend. He has made me smile even on the shittiest days. He
is a god damn wait he is a GOD....right up
there with Kurt, Devin, and Maynard. I met him for the 1st
time on sat nite...and if he ever trys to feed me with the
bullshit that he is ugly, I am gunna slap him one right
across the head.. This guy is far from ugly....he is such
a cutie...hehhe....Althought I think I scared the shit out
of him. I am such a horrible person in real life and I
think I mite have given him everlasting nigtmares.
Today I made the descion that I am leaving Sydney next
year, and moving to Queensland. I mean I dont have much
here for me. I know I have family, but they wont be moving
anywhere fast, so they will always be here. But Sydney...I
cant stand it no more. Too much pain, too many memories. I
need to be away from here...I wanna make a fresh start with
my life, and not take any emotional baggage with me. I
wanna forget about all the pain I have gone thru here over
the past few years. With any luck I'll find a guy, who
appreciates me for who I am. Someone who will love me
unconditionally. Someone who will accept that I dont have a
size 8 figure.Someone who will make me feel like I am
worthy of being loved.I am very insecure. Maybe one day,
I'll find that guy....but in the mean time, I'll just
continue to cry myself to sleep. and tell myself how I am
Ok this entry has gotton me more depressed then wat I was
when I started. How is it possible that one guy who caused
me so much pain, gave me some of the HAPPIEST memories, can
still make me cry and long for his touch? Why did he have
to be so godamn friggen special???? Why do I still have to be so
crazily in Love with him for? I have been missing him like crazy. Why
did he have to end it like that in the first place? Why did my
dickhead of a friend have to kick his car in? WHY WHY WHY?
Talk more later