once again
Ad 0:
2001-09-17 06:21:31 (UTC)


I know one day I'll be able to step away from myself and
say that I am completely happy with everything I have
infront of me and all that I am doing. I don't know when
and I don't know where, but I feel like I am meant to be
happy for a long time and life will pay me my dues. I try
to rush everyhting and that's not the way. I don't know
how to handle being let down or left alone. I confuse
loneliness with love sometimes and I hate that. I yearn
for these people around me to notice me and when I think
about it I really don't want those people by me. THen I
think I'm crazy for trying to salvage this love. Yet I
know it's not for loneliness, or memories, or what I LIKE.
It's because of love and never before have I loved someone
and not been able to let them go. My mom was the hardest
thing to let go and when I faced it I did it. A few weeks
went by and the pain was not so bad. But I know Shawn is
love. Months have gone by and a part of me has not
regrown. I have a void that people temporarily fill and
when I am there with that one person I know I shoudn't be
because it never feels right. I don't even need him
physically here. I have a phone call and my heart is at
peace, my mind can rest. I sleep so restlessly at night
and wake up to his phone calls to only get off and be able
to rest. I know I'm young and others say you have your
whole life ahead of you, but I feel like my whole life
won't be complete because I'm not living with the man I
want. He screwed up big, many times and I'm admitting it
that I don't have much trust but when I think about it I
did too. I know that there where many times when I said
the wrong things, I hurt him with my words and we were not
fair enough to each other at all. We wanted the world at
one time and we didn't stop to realize that it doesn't come
in one breathe. We lost each ther to realze we rushed too
much and being adult means taking it as it comes. We
wanted to live our life then, not forever. Noe we know and
he's scared he'll never have the chance to prove to me that
he can do it, and I'm scared that I'll never be able to
look into his eyes have have them speak to me again. Even
if it's for that moment and then we have to part
again...that is what I need. If we live our whole lives
like this and we grow old apart then when I die I just want
him to come hold my hand and guide me out of a life that he
created so special for me, because until I met him I lived
for the man and what the man wanted. He taught me to live
for myself and what I want. He showed me that a man will
still be ther even after I do what I need and this is
difinitely the best way to prove it. Although he walked
away a few months ago, i left his life from where he knew
he'd be able to see me. He knew that this is what I would
do if ever that day came. He came back to me to tell me
that everything I ever wanted or hoped for out of us was
still ther and he will make it burn again. He doesn't know
this but even though I was with other men, I would lay next
to them and close my eys to only see him and feel my neck
hot with his breathe. Never theirs. I know one day he'll
find me here, build his life the way he wants. He lives
according to what that little town wants and he knows he'll
be free with me. Time will make it happen and my child
inside wants it to hurry. THe child wants to be found