The Nightshade Princess
2003-01-29 01:53:35 (UTC)

Sickness in Salvation

Another day of this madness has passed. I find myself
terribly frustrated at its outcome. I had another
acupuncture appointment today, but I wish I hadn't gone.
My mother is now force-feeding me eggs, quite possibly one
of the most disgusting foods on earth, next to meat and
dairy and oatmeal. I really hate food. Everything tastes
unapetizing, and my hunger reflex has just about completely
gone. I think I will vomit the next time I have to eat an
egg. My acupuncturist seems to think I have "blood
deficiency" as in, not enough of it... Even with all of my
independant study on the body and abnormalities that can
occur, I do not know if that's medically possible.. however
she is also a doctor (or a nurse?). Anyway, she is
recommending protein, and says that all the soy I'm eating
isn't good. I hate this body with an all-consuming
passion. I get only trouble from it - extremely severe
allergies, disease, constant infection, fucked up brain
chemicals, severe headaches, perpetual exhaustion, and of
course the disgusting necessity of food, and the annoyance
of sleep. This body limits me far too much in what I
desire to do. I want to pierce and tattoo it, to paint it,
to make of it an art form, force it to submit. I want to
destroy it. There are those, it is true, who are attracted
to this useless lump of flesh, but it is almost
unendurable, this constant need, perpetual pain. I wish to
sing, and it makes this almost impossible, by impassably
clogging all sinuses until my throat is sore and my head
aches. I am on medication for that very thing, but it can
only help so much. Apparently it isn't helping at all
now. I'm in just as much pain as before. It worked a
couple of weeks ago....
I was just force-fed a scrambled egg... my mother first actually
fed it to me before I said "I'll do it myself," and took the fork and
plate. The material thereon gave off an evil steam and a sickly
odor. Stayed right beside me in my room the entire fucking time I
ate the damned thing. She expects me to vomit up this vile food. I
can't even flush the toilet without checking in. I don't know what
the fuck is going on but I'm pissed off. I'm a legal adult, and
would like to be treated as such. I'm a rebel, this is true, but
when I give my word I mean it, and I have NEVER given my mother any
reason for such stringent treatment. I'm not going to purposely
vomit. THAT was never my intention, however eggs nausiate me. She
kept say that I'll killing myself by eating the way I do... For some
reason I could not repress a giggle which did NOT help my case. I
guess I found it ironic and therefore humorous. I don't know what
else to say. I feel extremely violated... What's worse is that I
have a renewed hatred for this flesh and for this life... never a
good thing.