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2001-09-17 05:07:53 (UTC)

letting the...

its really late and i have school tomorrow.and i cant sleep
and it sucks.
coffee is bad.
and so great =) heh.
calls from the past. funny. yeah. funny. you know. all of
them have apologized. maybe they figure im not so fuckgin
crazy after all. or maybe they just feel bad. whatever. no
need to concern myself with that anymore. im done with
them. all of them. at least i can finally put her to peace
in my mind...its just so strange. i would never have
expected that. ever. you know. fucking i was so about her.
for so fucking long. so long. and its just finally,
recently, that i let it go...and now. now she calls. lol.
its so weird how shit works like that...and SHE was the one
that brought up the past. not me. at all. i laughed and was
civil and sweet. and it wasnt even forced. i actually am
over her. and that was put to the test tonight. and im
really glad to know this all...all of this. what she told
me. and what i felt. which was close to nothing. lol. ive
never been so happy about apathy. its funny. how someone
can mean SO much to you at one point in your life. and then
mean...nothing. nothing at all. even after all the drama
and shit. even then. nothing. time does strange
things...good and bad. good for some people. shows that
they really care...you know. and bad for others. like her.
but im glad shes doing well. and im glad that i am too. im
better off. without her. and im really glad that we didnt
end up doing everythig we had planned...im really fucking
glad. heh. i fucking NEVER thought i would be talking like
this. ever. time. hm. amazing. lots of time. lots of
fucking crying and lots of fucking hitting shit and
screaming and lots of love and lots of sex and lots of
fucking promises that were never fucking kept and lots of
fucking apathy and lots of fucking regret. and now.
finally. peace. peace on both sides. instigated by her...
and you know.
i told her that nothing would fix this.
not time.
not her apologies.
and you know...now.
nothing has been fixed.
but nothings broken anymore.
i guess its really null and void.
and she said seeing me would be hard for her.
and i wasnt lying when i said it wouldnt be for me.
peace with myself finally.
peace with all the shit she put me through.
all the torment.
part of me died along with that relationship.
but you know.
im glad that it did.
at least not im not ignorant anymore
i saw pure evil.
pure evil in her.
and i dont hate her for that.
i accept that now.
as a part of life, of people as a whole.
and maybe thats not good.
and maybe thats a problem.
but at least.
i can accept.
i can accept now.
and not question.
and expect it.

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