caitlyn

Totally Consumed
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2003-01-28 22:19:24 (UTC)

Ya Tvoi Vrag (I Am Your Enemy)

5:30 PM

ehhh..long day. boring day. nobody really messed with me
till after school. alexa IMed ryan and yelled at him..but
he didnt listen to her. (i figured as much.) shannon went
to his cousins funeral today so i didnt see him all day
and he hasnt gotten online yet today. he better go
tomorrow cause its boring w/o him there. al didnt go again
today. shes still stick. i cant wait till shes
better..chorus is even more boring that usual. and tomorrow
i have to go in and see ms.zint (chorus teacher for those
who are slow) she needs to talk to me. i wonder wut i did.
i always talk back to her..shes such a pushover. shes
always so happy. too happy. i just wanna stuff her in that
out of tune piano whenever she tells me to uncross my legs,
sit up and stop writing notes. she should really consider
getting a make over. speaking of school i had 'silent lunch
today' omg how juvinle is that?? i swear this school is
like elementary school. we get silent lunch and walk in
lines everywhere we go. we have cubbies too. its insane.
like i said..hell on earth. everyone is getting a diary.
thats pretty cool..i sorta got this idea from niki. but
hers is cooler cause shes got pictures in it and stuff. but
ne*ways. im gettin so bored of not having a boy friend. i
really wanna go out with this guy {um yeah not saying his
name} but i dont stand a chance. but w/e..ill get over it.
MY BIRTHDAY IS IN LIKE A 2 WEEKS! not really that exiting
considering its just another ordinary day to everyone
else..but still i get my own phone line and candy thats
something a plus to my bland life. in the wise words of
allie..."yeah im'a freak we all kno".
well jason might be coming down this weekend..im pretty
happy about that. i miss him alot. everyone says this diary
is depressing. its supposed to be.(im so biased..i kno. but
its my diary so wut the hell ill be as opinionated as i
want) u dont make a diary to write happy things..unless ur
a total ditz. no, lifes basically depressing. we all kno
it..just most people dont let on that they're sad. but i
do..so get over it. unless u have some1 to make it all
worth while....ok whatever im sounding extreamly superfical
over here. ill write later tonite my so called mother is
telling me to get off the damn computer and go do something
benifical. wtf am i supposed to do? i think ill sleep..im
always good at that.
------------------------------------------------------------

9:53 PM

im so tired. so tired of everything. i just need to go to sleep.
jason wont talk to me about anything. its like everything is a joke
to him. it isnt to me. the shit thats happening to me is real. the
awful days i go thru that seem to last forever are real. im not the
hyper, bubbly, loud, funny caitlyn he knew 2 years ago. im not.
people here have changed me. (the mean people..not my friends) im
diffrent. its awful. god is it awful. even peter said i wasnt acting
myself and that he missed me. i miss jason so much. and i love him so
much. but he hasnt changed. and i have. im a god awful person. im
fucked up. im so horrible to him. he doesnt even kno how much he
means to me. how he saved me over the past two years. but its too
late. he cant help me now. im too far gone. i dont even kno who i am.
all i kno is i love jason so much and he thinks he loves me but he
loves the caitlyn he knew. not the caitlyn i am.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
12:47 PM (Wednesday)

whoaaaaa i sound really weird in that ^ one. haha im so retarded
sometimes! haha thats hilarious how weird i can be. well i talked to
peter yesterday. he said he was gonna send me something :)


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