Diary of an American Witch
2003-01-28 05:33:54 (UTC)

And so, the day ends

Do I like my job? Yes. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I love
my job. You know, I never understood people who said they
enjoyed a challenge, my thought was always "god, why? Why
would you want to risk all that rejection, humiliation, and
failure?" But it isn't so much the challenge as it is
meeting the challenge, and beating it. My job challenges
me every day. When you work with children, nothing is ever
routine, even the routines are not routine, if that makes
any sense. And that used to scare the living piss out of
me. But not so much anymore. Am I maturing? God, I hope
not, I’m too damn mature for my age anyway. I think I’m
just learning to accept things I would have otherwise
railed against.
I took this test on web md a while back, and I found out
that I have chronic anxiety disorder, which does not
surprise me in the least, there is a history of chemical
disorders in my family, on both sides actually, but I don’t
have the money to get medicated, and so I made up my mind
to make myself face small challenges every day, in hopes of
conquering this thing. I stay up past my bedtime, which,
believe it or not, used to be one of those things that
would freak me out. I also drive different ways to work, I
go out on dates, I flirt with guys I would otherwise have
been scared to even talk to, I am quitting my long time
habit of smoking, I took up Tai Chi, and I wrote my own
yoga routine, instead of following the one in the book.
And every time I meet these small challenges, and beat
them, I get a little stronger . My job is a prime example,
and my best teacher.

I think one of my worst fears was being around children,
like, small children, but now, every day, I am in charge of
anywhere from 20 to 50 kids at a time, and it does not
bother me. We have 100 kids even at the after school
program now, by the way.

But, of course, there are still times where fear gets the
better of me. There are days when I can’t bring myself to
step outside my door, and when I have to sit myself down
and work up the courage to get in my car and go places.
It’s not so much the places that I go, but how I get
there. I hate to drive, I most especially hate to drive
places I have never been before, it scares me beyond
belief. I started driving late in life, mostly because
when I was at that age where I could first drive, I loaned
my car to my sister, and she didn’t give it back for a long
time. The less I drove, the more I feared it. Couple that
with the nasty wreck that my sister had when she was young,
and you have one hell of a complex. But like I said, Im
working through it.

Now, Im faced with a huge challenge. Jamie.
I told Jamie how I felt about him, though partly Ill admit,
it was by accident. Now, we have decided to give it a new
beginning, so to speak. Start slow, work up from there, if
we both agree that we should work up from friendship. We
are not in a relationship, not at all, we are just figuring
things out. But the challenge with Jamie is that I have to
learn to trust him with my heart.

I have always held myself back from him, and I think that
was always a main problem with us. I always held myself
back, I think, because I knew if I ever gave him my whole
heart, it would shatter when he left me. You notice I
say "when" and not "if" that’s because with me, losing the
man I love is not a possibility, but a certainty. Jamie
has always been more right for me than anyone, and I knew
it, and I knew, if I let myself fall for him totally, then
Id never recover when he finally got tired of me and left
like the rest. Of course, I see now. If I want it to
work, If I want him to want to be with me forever, Im going
to have to take that chance, Im going to have to give him
everything. As Dave says Im gonna take my chances on
everyday. It’s scary. It’s a colossal thought, forever.
It’s also a huge chance, gambling my heart and soul on a
maybe But there is no other way with this,

And so the day ends, with hope for tomorrow.