OrganizedConfusion

Conversation Peace
2003-01-28 03:39:31 (UTC)

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Dear Journal,
You know what. Fuck this. Fuck all of this. I hate my
life. It is so stupid. I am like, feeling either really
insignificat to people, or way too important for compfort.
I managed to like, annoy the shit out of myself today. I
realised how bad I flirt and that I need to calm that down
now. Which I can do, I think. I don't mean anything by it
though. I dunno. I feel so stupid though. Why can't I be
normal and feel like normal people. I tried to starve
myself today. Stupid me. I ate dinner though. Mac and
Cheese.. Yum. That is it though. I am so stupid. Oh and my
dad keeps annoying me because he knows I am tired and in a
bad mood. He is asking me how bad I am going to fail my
drivers test and if I studied (as if I hadn't). Then I get
mad and he tells me to go back to bed. Well you know if he
weren't such a fucking inconsiderate asshole on and off for
the last couple of months maybe I COULD sleep. Maybe I
wouldn't have nightmares when I did. Maybe if my parents
could get along for more than an hour I wouldn't be so
afraid of my family falling apart. I watch everyone and all
I can think about is how messed up everything is.
AAAHHH WHY can't people take the time to read someones
full profile. You know a person has to get your screen name
from a profile search. So tell me. If my profile says I am
in high school WHY do 30 and 40 year old dudes instant
message me? WHY?!?!?! It is sooo stupid. They need to get
glasses or something because it is obvious I'm not as old
as them and if they think I'm going to talk to them they
must be stupid. I'm a little smarter then the nine year
olds they probably normally target.
Anyway back to the subject. I am so weird. I dunno,
latley I have just been thinking about my family a lot. I
stayed up for 3 hours thinking about my grandpa. I keep
thinking that some day he is going to come back and
everyone is going to go crazy because he missed him but
then I re-play watching my dad drive out of the cemetary,
turned around in my seat as we got farther and farther away
from the casket. It wasn't untill that point that I
realised that was the LAST time I was ever near him and I
almost cried because I wanted to go back. I didn't say
anything though. Half of me knows it was pointless anyway
because my grandpa is in heaven, not in the ground. I
thought about what I would say to my grandpa if I had one
last chance to talk to him. It didn't make me sad that I
didn't say it though because I know sooner or later he will
hear it. Sooner or later I will see him again.
Off that subject. I've noticed something about myself
that I tend to forget but always remember. I have a
horrible time with eye contact. I can't look people in the
eye. I try. Well I take that back. I can look Manda in the
eye more then I can most people. Or my mother and sister.
Kelly even a little but most people I can't. Especially
guys. I freak out when people stare at me. I hate it. I
flinch when people poke me and what not. I try ans steer
away from people. I feel stupid sometimes in movies. The
seats are close but dispite who I am with, I lean and sit
as far away as I can get. I do that with my cousin even.
When people hug me I tend to stand there and not do
anything because I'm not used to it. My friends mothers are
normally like "You don't like hugs do you" and I do, I just
don't seem like it because I'm not used to it. I'm just,
weird. My boyfriend has his arm around me and I'm all
like.. RAAA with my arms crossed sitting there all.. akward
and looking like I'm scared or something. Maybe I am? I
wasn't. I mean I liked sitting there, but I dunno. I act
funny too. I am like really happy a lot of the time and
like, for some reason I act weird around my boyfriend and
I'm thinking he notices but I'm not sure. I'm really scared
of something and I don't know what. In fact the fact that I
have a boyfriend almost depresses me. I am going to give it
time because I know this will change but I feel bad because
I am like silent and weird around him. Almost like I get
sad around him. Maybe we just need to talk or something. I
don't know. I gotta go though.
-- Allie --




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