Starving for Perfection
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2003-01-28 02:58:26 (UTC)

Disgusted with Myself (food).... (again)

I hate this... every freekin day... why is it food
surrounds my thoughts and what I do?? I mean, I just yeah,
like Fr. Dave put it... I just want to be free!!!
Unfortunately, reality hits and it seems soo much like
common sense... why do I even try to be normal?? I mean...
normal is nothing. Normal is just another standard set by
society. It's pretty gruesoome when you think of it. So,
I won't. I just know I wish it would be soo much easier to
just sit back and enjoy life... but I can't do it...
there's my wall... food.

Why do I have to hate something and yet love it so much. I
guess personally I don't understand why we should have to
eat just to live... it sucks to hate a necessity of life.
No different really than hating air. I don't want to
dye... nor am I anywhere near close to dying! I just, wish
I lived alone, then I wouldn't have to worry about making
up more and more lies to tell my parents.

I was supposed to become a social eater along with my new
diet, but it'll be okay, to screw up on one thing one
day... but tomorrow I just gotta try extra hard. I just
feel soo sickened with myself. The thought I could eat
everything I have eaten today. Ugh.. anyway. No biggie,
could have been soo much worse I suppose, but yet still not
good enough. I ate enough to make myself feel sick. But
maybe that'll teach me. I am definately getting punishment
tonight... no more of this thinking about punishment...
oh... I'll get it. I deserve it. I chose to eat while no
one was around. So, I get to suffer. Hmm.

Breakfast... Lets see... I know, it was stupid, but I drank
a yoohoo* It had a lot of protein*... and I know I don't
get enough, and I thought chocolate milk sounded good...
there wasn't any fat free.

Lunch... I had some gum... but then I have p.e. right after
lunch, and I was having those pains in my legs like I
always get when they are about to kill out on me... the
cramps get soo bad. Sometimes I just wake up in the middle
of the night in horrible pain. One night I woke up and my
arms were cramped up, and my legs were cramped up and so
were my toes... I couldn't get myself out of bed... and I
couldn't rub the cramps out... I had to roll myself out of
bed. It sucked. But I was starting to get those pains
like the cramps were about to start... I hear it could have
to do with a lack of calcium or even dehydration. So a
friend and I went to the cafeteria and I bought some milk
and some ice... I figured one of the two would make the
pain go away, so yeah, finally they were gone!!! Hurray!!!

Then for dinner today I had gosh, it's soo freekin
horrible. :0( But I gotta face it. I had about 3/4 a cup
of relish, a carrot, and two dorrito chips. :0( agh, I
wanna cry. But all that does is make matters worse. I was
the stupid one... tomorrow is a new day, but hopefully I
will have a reminder to inspire me not to make such a
stupid mistake.

I guess my current stats are as follows:
(sickening I know... )
Size- 1-3
BMI- 18.91

My short term weight goal is 105. I am trying to go by 5
lbs. to each goal. My long term goal is 95. My dream goal
is 85. I will probably never reach that goal. Like I
said, it is my dream goal. Not an actual goal. I really
wish I could find a way to just loose more weight. It is
getting harder.. Need to keep looking for better miracle

I just dunno... dang... sometimes it sux.

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