BlueEyes

OneSubjectObsession
2003-01-27 23:36:26 (UTC)

Long time no write...the "other" woman

I think this will be another rant entry cuz I'm bored and
no one is online/on the phone. SO with my puppy at my
feet I will begin this entry...
The "other" woman...competition if you will. And yet
she's not. At all. Like AM said she's completely
straight and desperate for a guy and whatever but I can't
help it. Like on Saturday, they hung out the whole
time...partly cuz in big groups I just turn off and become
the most antisocial bitch there is-I don't know why. And
no one believes me but I hate groups! Like Sat. I sat in
the corner of the booth and sat there. Just sitting and
thinking...doing dick all feeling sorry for myself. I
love small groups or one on one conversations but I
refuse/hate to sorta "dominate" or compete for dominance
of a conversation...so I sat there. Z and her talked the
whole time and I was just like "sigh" like I know they're
good friends...I look at me and Anna and our relationship
could be read the same...they're just friends. Of course
they do things together and talk together...but
still...she's mine *groans at herself*...whatever the
fuck...
Like I dunno, I feel threatened by Z...but she'd still
call over to me and ask me something-do I want more
water...a straw...where's the cherry on your whipcream?"
Like she still remembers I exist and thinks of me (as she
asked no one else if they wanted anything...) but...I'm
jealous for no reason and that pisses me off. I guess
it's cuz we don't have a stable relationship or anything
where I can go "yeah I know she loves me..." so I guess
it's my insecurites. Whatever.
And then me and Dev and AM were discussing her incidently-
though not by name and she comes over to join and I'm
perfectly fine with her knowing that I like a female and
whatnot...but it's not even the topic I almost purposely
ignore her and make an attempt to exclude her from the
conversation. So why do I do that? I want her to include
me and I want to include her but in groups and whatever, I
dunno...I push her away. I make blatant attempt to ignore
her...why?...


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