eidolon

shifting mists
2001-09-16 19:10:10 (UTC)

a warning ...

Written on September 15, 2001 at 11:30pm


... i feel like i did so many years ago when i first began
running .... those first footraces ... fast, intense sprints
that i quickly decided were not for me in preference for the
much longer endurance dependant cross country treks ...

... but ... back to those sprints ... it is that feeling
afterwards that caused me to quit ... that horrible tight,
shrinking of my lungs and racing heart rate .... that
feeling of inability to take a deep breath and intense pain
when i tried ....

well I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear

... that is the sensation of now ... unfortunately not a
passing feeling .. but one that lingers for hours without
relief ... torturing me with its grip on my actions ... its
control over my freedom ... threatening deprivation ..
suffocation at even the mildest of misbehavior...

... and i contemplate this invisible ruler over my actions
... "is using the lav really misbehavior? ... it is, of
course, only a room away" ...

I am barely breathing
and I can't find the air

... the people were very nice, very helpful and informative
... in the ambulance ... in the hospital ... and i value
their help ... their valuable response time ... their
knowledge and administrations .... i know that without them
it is likely that i would not be here now ...

... and for once in my life i actually care one way or the
other .... truly wanting to be here for the next bend in the
road .... love has done that for me .... he has created the
hope within me that caused that caring ... the lack of fear
is still there ... but the caring, the wish to stay is very
strong ... and i am so grateful to him for that .... it is a
surprising, amazing feeling ....

I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay...

... this torture though ... the "aftermath of the race"
sensation .... it is the residual effects of that recent
experience ... a second chance (third? or forth?.... how
many lives do i have afterall?) with a constant aching
warning pressing in on my chest ... reminding me to behave
.. to obey ...

you really had me going wishing on a star
but the black holes that surround you are heavier by
far

... and so i do .... and on monday i will return to my
doctor for a change of antibiotics and keep my fingers
crossed that she will allow me to remain hospital-stay free
....

... but for now i am tired ... i have to rest ... and i can
feel sleep creeping near ... perhaps i shall breath easier
there ...

I rise above or sink below
With every time you come and go
Please don't come and go

... and hopefully awaken refreshed ...


Lyrics courtesy of the song "Barely Breathing" by
Duncan Sheik