Infiniterocker

hello kitty cat
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2003-01-27 06:51:16 (UTC)

finally---time to vent--I'm ready to leave this all behind

I just got home from Jamie's apartment. We had a really
good time. I took pictures of her and Donny---and little
River. He's such a beautiful baby. It blows me away to know
that my best friend is married with a baby. I can't believe
it. I'm really glad she's finally happy with her life. It's
funny, on the way over to her apartment I have to drive
through Wayne (she lives in Berwyn)...and I have to drive
past my old house, and The Gryphon (where everyone used to
hang out)...and the old theater, and Pie in the Sky...all
that. I just thought of all the bad/good times I had there.
I was thinking of the year I moved to Chicago--and I came
back to Philadelphia for xmas. All my friends threw this
party at The Gryphon. So we were all upstairs just messing
around...sipping on coffee and getting high lol. I remember
sitting with Tom on the balcony talking about how nothing
would ever be the same---watching the snow fall on the
street. They don't allow the party scene to go on upstairs--
(I think they just turned the upper part into an apartment)
at Gryphon anymore (because of the drugs), it's now
strictly a coffee shop... I saw Tom the other day---nothing
will ever change with him. He's me with a dick...I know
that Jamie and Tom will always be in my life. I guess I
just get caught up in the moment. I drove past my old
house....I remember---something like 2 summers ago when I
saw it for the first time since the accident. I went to Pie
and the Sky and got take-out...and took it to where I used
to live and just had a picnic on top of where my old room
used to be....I cried and cried. That was a terrible
summer. Jason and I were on and off---and that's when I got
raped...and Jamie and Donny were going through all that
shit--my Mom was living in that guys garage selling
herself...and doing the usual. Joey asked me to marry him
that summer---what a fucking nut case. I was hight that
whole fuckign summer....I remember sitting there on the
pile of dust--- thinking---- If you would have told me my
Father would think he was jesus and my Mom would be a
crackhead/hooker back when I lived here...--- I would have
thought you were crazy. It's funny how things turn out. I
was looking at all these pictures at Jamie's place, of all
the people I used to know---and you have to remember I
haven't seen these people since I was 12---and it just
really weirded me out to see what they look like now, and
hear about what happened to them. I'm glad I got out of
Philadelphia so early in my life, I can only image what
could have happened if I had stayed. I can't explain the
emotions I'm going through. My Mom basically feels like
she'll never see me again--that she'll be dead before I get
the chance to come back..and in a way I know she's right.
But she did it to herself. She's still using---I told her
if she doesn't get the hell out of this house (clothes and
everything)---- that I'm telling my Grandparents about what
she's doing---it's not fair to have them support her habit.
She shouldn't have ever put me in this position--I'm so
connected to her--in every way, not just because she's my
Mother--but our souls are connected and I know that she is
near her end---as she does too. So it's really hard for me
to watch this all happen. I need to let go though. I need
to stop feeling responsible for my Mother---and for my
Brother. For once in my life I don't have to worry about
him--and I should take advantage of that. Poor Ian. He's
probably in Alabama by now, and I feel guilty for not
visiting him in juvy, but it wouldn't have helped the
situation. I hope to God he gets his shit together. I swear
I'm the only one in this family who has their shit together
(somewhat lol). Well...I'm done bitching for now.

Always, known in all my time
A little left of center now
Reflect as I realize
That all I need is to find
The middle pillar path to sit like the sun
By a star in the sky and just be

Sinners, casting stones at me

I, I stand
Not crawling
Not falling down

I, I bleed
The demons
That drag me down

I, I stand
(For nothing)
Not crawling
(The center)
Not falling down
(Of calms within the eye)

I, I’ll bleed
(For no one)
The demons
(But myself)
That pull me down
(For me and no one else)

Goodbye, sunshine
I’ve put it out again, sad
I’m over, personalities, conflicting
I don’t need you, or anyone, but me
I’ll just be, living my own life

I feel my glowing center grow
Infecting I feel alive
Shovel dirt over lime
Plant it in myself to sit like a seed
Under covers of earth and just be

Sinners, pointing fingers at me

I, I stand
(For nothing)
Not crawling
(By myself)
Not falling down

I, I bleed
(For no one)
The demons
(But myself)
That drag me down

I, I stand
(For nothing)
Not crawling
(The center)
Not falling down
(Of calms within the eye)

I, I’ll bleed
(For no one)
The demons
(But myself)
That pull me down
(For me and no one else)

Come play kill
Refuse my body, refuse my shadow
Stone cold will
Refuse to lead this, refuse to follow
Bitter pills
Refuse to feed this, refuse to swallow
I’m fueled godless

Come play, come play
Kill

Just be, just be

I, I stand
(For nothing)
Not crawling
(By myself)
Not falling down

I, I bleed
(For no one)
The demons
(But myself)
That drag me down

I, I stand
(For nothing)
Not crawling
(The center)
Not falling down
(Of calms within the eye)
(For no one)
The demons
(But myself)
That drag me down
(For me and no one else)

I, I’ll bleed


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