Niahm

Naught a topic

Tonight, I feel tired, so damn tired. I woke up this
morning, stumbled to the coffee pot at 10AM!!!! and, crawled
back in bed after chugging two cups of coffee,.. Im so god
damn tired of feeling like the only person in the world.

Of course, Im surrounded by people, and lots of people who
love me and all that, but thats not what im talking about.
I guess im tired of asking 'why'. this whole thing rocked my
spiritual world. i pray every night, on my way out of this
world and it gives me the only comfort available. noone
wants to talk about whats happening in the world. im proud
to be an american, but i fear my own government.

i feel inadequate, and helpless and all that.. work seems
trivial, physics seems trivial, getting married to paul
seems trivial. i suppose that on the other side of this, i
will only be closer to god than I am now.. but the journey
of gods will isnt always easy. im not religious, but this
week i suppose i wished that i was, for no other reason but
to pray in a group. ive invited Raphael over tomorrow AM.
hes of the 'rosacrusion' faith.. dont know anything about
it, but he's quite spiritual, and has brought up buddha
before.

I wonder if there really is only one right person in the
world for me.?? How can I be with paul, going on 2 years,
and still wonder??? I so look forward to getting older, and
a little quieter.. why am i so goddamn opinionated? why am i
so 'strong' on the outside, and weak.. on the inside?

I thought about drinking tonight... and thats with almost 10
years sober.. does the insidiousness of alcoholism ever go
away?? .. drinking doesnt help anything..

i feel closer to god today, than yesterday... and tommorrow
I pray, and listen.

Blessed Be.