My Reality
Ad 2:
2003-01-27 00:58:45 (UTC)

Moving on i guess...

Ok so, as much as i hated to realize it, josh just doesnt
have his shit together to be able to be wtih me, and i can
understand and respect that and know that i did nothing
wrong to cause him not to be with me, he is just not ready
and there is nothing i can do to change that. He has a lot
of things to do before he is really ready to be in a
serious relationhip in my mind, i just think he really
needs to learn how to love someone and let them love him
aswell, he needs to learn not to fear emottion. he needs to
realize when he has a good thing. josh has a family who is
there for him, firneds who are always there from what i
understand, a great personality and good looks to get him
whoever he wanted( i just wish he would realize that ), and
well honestly he had me... he had someone who loved him
with all her heart, i would have given anything to be wtih
him. he didnt see that and not only did he not see that he
wouldnt have felt the same way even if he did understand
it. i cant change that and i cant make it any better. that
is something he is going to have to deal with. i dont
think he will ever realize that what we had was pretty
fucking amazing, i dont think he will ever know whati would
have gone through to be wtih him, or what i struggled with
for nine long months, i dont think he will ever see that he
is absolutly perfect and that any girl would be damn lucky
to have him, i dont think he will ever truely understand
how madly in love with him i was, and still kinda am, and i
dont think he will ever do anything to change what has been
done, i honestly think that this is it for us, though yes
we have agreed to be friends, i dont think that means a
whole lot to him any more. i think the further he can get
from me the easier it will be for him, and as much as it
hurts to think that and to actually believe i am almost
positive im right. thats ok. i know i loved him, and i
know that i love him still, but what i feel for him now is
more of an appreciation of what he is. i apperciate
everything about him and still believe that he is a prize
to women, but at the same time i can understand and grasp
that he just isnt going to love me. HE WILL NEVER LOVE
ME. and thats ok. as much as i wanted him to love me i
cant change his feelings and i cant make what i think is
right reality, so i so so long to the past and so long to
my dreams and hopes and wishes for my future with him and
wish him the best of luck in learning how to love. you
deserve the best baby and one day i know youll find a girl
who you can love.
So to the moving on part. against most of my better
judgement and having to let go of desire to wait on josh to
realize what we could be, i decided to continue dating once
again. its been a good six months so i thought it couldnt
hurt. but i can honestly say i have so much to say on this
new topic it deserves a whole journal entry of its
own....GO STEVE!!!