my favorite lies
2001-09-16 01:16:37 (UTC)

First Entry

Wow, this is harder to do than I thought. Already I must
have erased my first line about a thousand times. I feel
pressured or something, not really sure what to write. I
doubt anyone will really read any of this, and I am not
really sure if I want someone to.

I don't know why I am doing this. I usually keep a written
journal. I don't write in it much anymore. I always thought
that in order to write something down, it has to be really
good, like some life changing event. Recently my life has
been pretty boring, at least compared to what I have been
through in the past.

Yes, I've been through it all. I've been bulimic, I have
slashed at my arms and legs, and I have even tried to
commit suicide-twice. I have been through the therapy,
taken the pills, and now, I'm cured! At least thats what
everyone wants me to be.

I don't know anything anymore though. I try so hard to live
a normal life,but for some reason, I don't want to be
normal! I always thought being crazy was exciting, and at
least people paid attention to me.

I'm not saying that I want to go back to all the cutting
and all the crying. I am just saying that I want a
different life...dont we all? I get up every morning hoping
and praying that this day will be different, this day I
will truly be happy.

But what is happiness anyway. Its all so fake. I just have
this feeling inside of me. I can't explain it. It's like I
look into the future, and I just don't see me in it. And
this whole image doesn't make me sad, it doesn't even scare
me, I just accept it, just like I accept everything else in
my life.

So I will wake up again tomarrow, asking the same
questions, and nothing will change. But I am still here.
And I know that I am not going anywhere,at least, not yet...