Screaming Cathedrals
2001-09-15 08:55:38 (UTC)

9-15-01 (later on)

Okay... well at least I have the page up and running. It's
decent I guess. I need to add to the content. Ah well. I
don't know who out there that's reading this doesn't know
about what happened to me while I was absent from the net,
but I figure, since this is my journal, I should write some
of what happened.

I met someone... I thought he was wonderful and he meant
the world to me. I jumped in too fast, way too fast. I
moved in with him and we got engaged. Everyone that knew
him tried to sway me from seeing him. They said he was no
good and that I would get hurt... but of course, I didn't
listen. Things were wonderful... for the first 3-4
months... then they slowly just went downhill. It ended a
year after we started seeing eachother.

He told me that he needed his freedom, and his space. He
had changed... and as a result of his change.. I too had
changed. I didn't like who I was anymore. I didn't like who
he was anymore. He didn't respect or love me the way I felt
that I should have been. So... he dumped me. At first I was
going to stay there as "friends with benefits"...

Things got worse... we fought all the time. He started
hanging out lots with his ex, Jackie. I asked him if
anything was between the two of them.. because if there
was.. I didn't want to be skrewing him and going along on
the basis that we were only taking a "break" from
eachother. He denied that anything was going on.

Things were realllly starting to tense up... and it ended
up that I was going to move back home for awhile... so that
he could "figure things out"...

The week I was supposed to leave, my car took a dump on me.
I couldn't go live with my parents just yet because they
live too far from my work for me to be able to bum rides
off friends. So.. I stayed an extra week so I could get my
car back on track. We were still having sex up until the
day I left.

Then... I was cleaning the living room the day before I was
supposed to leave and I found pictures... of his ex, Jackie
naked in our bed... and pictures of him with her. She had
gone off to college the week before... so they had to of
been taken right when he and I broke up.... right when he
got his hair cut...

He lied through his teeth... said they didn't have sex
(which he admits to now). He said he felt like he did
nothing wrong. But... damn.. I mean.. he couldn't even wait
until I left... or at least tell me the truth so that I
wouldn't still be having sex with him under the assumption
that we were getting back together. I told him when we
broke up that if he started having sex with someone else,
he could forget us getting back together. So, he had
already made up things in his mind.. and chose to lead me
on into thinking differently.

I've already gone through the upset phase...been through
the angry phase... and now I just regret.

I regret giving my heart and trust to someone so unworthy.
I regret letting someone so horrible hurt me.

There's more to it than just that... other things that were
done... but... that's the main part of it.

But I'm done with it all now. I will move on and find
myself... someone I lost while I was trying to get the
person he was back.... but now I realize that the person I
thought he was ... never existed. It's sad... it's almost
like having someone you love die when you realize that.

I have plans for my life now. I am glad that I didn't waste
more of my life in a relationship with someone where I was
constantly trying to save them ... from the world and from

Switchblade Symphony said it best: "I cannot save you, I can't even
myself... so just save yourself."