Mindy aka Cutie

The life of a suicidal Teenager.
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2003-01-24 23:55:42 (UTC)

Life being happy

So, me and Jon are doing pretty good. Yes, there are the
times when we fight....and when we do, it's pretty bad.
Like this one time I told him that I needed someone to talk
to so I wouldn't do anything stupid and he said to just "Go
ahead and cut yourself" But he said it in a way where he
was just frustrated and really didn't mean it. I really
like this one. I mean really!!!! Actually I love him.
More than he will ever know because I don't think I could
live without him. I have already made a pact with myself
that if me and him breakup, I'm going to kill myself. And
this time, I'm serious. You might think that I am a
bullshit liar but, I'm not. I WILL DO IT. I SWEAR I
WILL. And nobody will stop me. I will be so happy and
they will all see how much they have hurt me. Why do I
have to be fat? I mean, yea, Ive lost 60ish pounds..but I
still feel like a fat ass. I don't think I will ever be
happy with myself. EVER. I think that god put me here on
earth just so I could kill myself. Like one of those
people who are here to prove stuff to others. School, well
is school. I am "popular" now but, I really don't want to
be. It makes me feel like I have to compete even more for
t he acceptance of other people. And the only reason they
like me is because I got thinner. They don't fucking like
me for me they just have to accept people who look like me
or society would be fucked up. You can't tell that I am
happy can you? But, I am. Even though I am one of the
fattest, ugliest, dumbest people in the world. I fucking
hate feeling like this. But I don't feel the need to cut.
Maybe I'm just to afraid to admit that there is still
something very wrong with me. That I am and never will be
quite normal. Sometimes I wonder if Jon loves me. I know
deep down he does, but then why would he say such mean
things to me on the phone? I'm down to weighing
155ish..better than my 213. Right? In a size 9 pants and
a medium shirt from a size 16 pants and a xl to an xxl
shirt. And I feel uncomfortable having sex with Jon, like
I"m not good enough. And he has this thing with his hands
being clean. So he uses anti-bacterial stuff right after
we have sex. Makes me feel really really dirty. Like I'm
not clean or something. And then sometimes I think that
all he thinks about is sex. Like everytime I see him, it
always ends up about sex and getting hi. I started doing
drugs again. I'm addicted to some pills. Getting hi all
the fucking time. And am hoping to get some coke soon.
Please help me.