Mindy aka Cutie

Life being happy

So, me and Jon are doing pretty good. Yes, there are the
times when we fight....and when we do, it's pretty bad.
Like this one time I told him that I needed someone to talk
to so I wouldn't do anything stupid and he said to just "Go
ahead and cut yourself" But he said it in a way where he
was just frustrated and really didn't mean it. I really
like this one. I mean really!!!! Actually I love him.
More than he will ever know because I don't think I could
live without him. I have already made a pact with myself
that if me and him breakup, I'm going to kill myself. And
this time, I'm serious. You might think that I am a
bullshit liar but, I'm not. I WILL DO IT. I SWEAR I
WILL. And nobody will stop me. I will be so happy and
they will all see how much they have hurt me. Why do I
have to be fat? I mean, yea, Ive lost 60ish pounds..but I
still feel like a fat ass. I don't think I will ever be
happy with myself. EVER. I think that god put me here on
earth just so I could kill myself. Like one of those
people who are here to prove stuff to others. School, well
is school. I am "popular" now but, I really don't want to
be. It makes me feel like I have to compete even more for
t he acceptance of other people. And the only reason they
like me is because I got thinner. They don't fucking like
me for me they just have to accept people who look like me
or society would be fucked up. You can't tell that I am
happy can you? But, I am. Even though I am one of the
fattest, ugliest, dumbest people in the world. I fucking
hate feeling like this. But I don't feel the need to cut.
Maybe I'm just to afraid to admit that there is still
something very wrong with me. That I am and never will be
quite normal. Sometimes I wonder if Jon loves me. I know
deep down he does, but then why would he say such mean
things to me on the phone? I'm down to weighing
155ish..better than my 213. Right? In a size 9 pants and
a medium shirt from a size 16 pants and a xl to an xxl
shirt. And I feel uncomfortable having sex with Jon, like
I"m not good enough. And he has this thing with his hands
being clean. So he uses anti-bacterial stuff right after
we have sex. Makes me feel really really dirty. Like I'm
not clean or something. And then sometimes I think that
all he thinks about is sex. Like everytime I see him, it
always ends up about sex and getting hi. I started doing
drugs again. I'm addicted to some pills. Getting hi all
the fucking time. And am hoping to get some coke soon.
Please help me.