Bateman

Portal to Hell
2003-01-24 06:20:59 (UTC)

Why stubborn?

Why'd I have to draw stubborn as a trait? It's not doing
me any immediate good- maybe I'll see some benefit in the
long-term, but that ain't helping me now! The city makes
me feel claustropobic. I'm not dealing well with these big
huge buildings all the time, with no wide open spaces, and
weather warm enough to go see the stars- stars aren't even
visible here! At least, not to the extent that it helps
calm me- helps me to breathe a little easier, without the
tight feeling in my chest that happens when I get upset.
What did I do when I found out Libby was in the hospital?
I went outside... but it was fucking snowing and there were
no stars- and it was too cold to lay out on the steps that
go nowhere and look for an opening in the clouds. When I'm
at home, and something happens to upset me, I can go out on
the deck, or down to the hammock, or, when we were in
Chapel Hill, I went out on the roof. Even in Switzerland,
when things got rough, I'd walk Sophie out to the cow field
across the street to "look up at the sky". :) I'd "talk"
to Orion, and imagine another world you entered by
squeezing through the hole in the black dome that I saw as
a huge bright, steady star in the night sky. The largest
star in the sky, I imagined it as the doorway to this
amazing other world, where everything was a little more
profound, everything was a little bit more joyous, more
wonderful, less hurtful, less painful. It was such a
wonderful way of escaping the taunting I endured from those
horrid little boys, in Chapel Hill, it was an escape from
the "awful small-town life" I imagined myself trapped in.
Maybe my trial here in Montreal is to find other ways of
dealing with my mental mood swings. Maybe I need to
explore my writing more, start running, etc. I can't use
star-gazing as a bonding event with new friends, like I did
with Tim and Krista, and later with the chicas.
Looking at the stars has always been such a wonder-filled
pastime. I've never really been a spiritual person, but I
catch a glimpse of that world when I stargaze. It's so
close to perfection- it IS perfection... in Kenya, when I
saw those stars. God, I think back on it now, and it was
just the most amazing sight I've ever seen. There were
more stars than there was black space, something I'd never
seen before, and I haven't seen since. I saw the Southern
Cross, and it was just absolutely perfect. I can't help
but cry, remembering how serene and peaceful it seemed, how
inconsequential and outside of time the stars seemed. How
ageless, and at the same time, so very old. I felt so very
small in front of all that endless space, like the
dinosaurs would come tromping back down from the far-off
corners of the universe, back through time. Or that I
should see the first humans foraging for food across the
savannah.
That view is what I'm looking for again. It's the
motivation behind my wanting to do Peace Corps, my desire
to go to Antarctica, Siberia, Africa, Alaska, Montana,
etc. The thought of being cooped up in a city my whole
life, living without the nightly companionship of those
amazing stars- it scares me. I've done it for almost three
years now, and that's enough for me. I need to get out, I
need to move on, move out of the city, into a place where I
have space to breathe. I don't feel like I'm myself here,
I don't feel like I'm becoming the person I'm going to be
when I'm old. That person is going to come out when I'm
back in a less urban setting, where I'm more comfortable,
where there's a slower pace that sets the rhythm for the
community. I don't go at a fast pace, but I need to be
around others who are comfortable at that slower speed. I
guess, realistically, there go my dreams of joining the UN.
I just can't do it. I couldn't deal with the daily
stresses, the responsibilities, the high-powered events and
galas. I've never been to a city, a big city, that I've
really felt comfortable in. I loved Lausanne- but was that
because I lived in La Claie-Aux-Moines? I loved Paris, but
was that because at the end of the week or the weekend I
could go back to my little house in the middle of all those
cows? Lausanne wasn't even that big. It's loads smaller
than Montreal. Though it's probably about as big as the
area of Montreal that I tend to frequent.
Anyway, I should hit the hay, that's enough soul-emptying
for one night, don't you think?




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