Hopes for tomorrow
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow...
From the words of the band Simple Plan, I feel like
I'm living the worse day ever, every day is the worse day
ever.I find myself standing still, staring at weird
objects around me, in a dazed and confused state of
mind.I'm starting to believe the most dangerous weapon in
this world would be my thoughts, with those thoughts
alone. Those thoughts alone have broken me down, And the ?
always appears in my mind, " Why are we here". Im sure
everyone has had this thought come across there mind if
they have looked into their life, and said to
themselfs "What is the meaning??" Is there a meaning at
all?. Maybe I sound vain to some, and maybe thats all it
is, But what if maybe I was right. A year ago from now, I
thought I knew everything, Until someone woke me up, and I
realized the kind of life that I was living a life that I
only wanted to see, and nothing more. I taught myself to
only see what I wanted, and to forget about that rest.
As I have grown in the past year, I've realized "Tis
better to shut up and not say anything, then to say
something and make a fool out of yourself". I've learned
more when your not talking, and only listening to others.
The world is so vain, and so not what life should be
about. I dwell on this fact everyday, and ask
myself "Why??, Why does it have to be like this??. The
truth is, it doesnt at all have to be like this, we make
it this way.
I sometimes feel, that Im alone, alone in my thoughts
and alone in my words, and when I preach these words,
people look at me like they have no clue at all. I know
just like me they think like this too,and their just
scared of admitting what they cant see, whats right in
front of them... I believe, I loved and was with the guy I
wanted to be with the rest of my life, Only to find out in
the end of my fariy tale, was a nightmare.
I was the happest girl alive, and believed I had it
all standing next to him, wrapped in arms of love, that I
wasnt getting enough of at home. That guy, I believed
understood me, I believed when he looked in my eyes, that
he saw me. I made the biggest mistake of my life... I
loved him so much, it turned mean, and so did he. We said
things that hurt each other, and did things that hurt each
other more. Maybe its no ones flaut. Things broke apart
and so did we. As much as I scream and cry I know I cant
take any of it back. Things never got better and only
worse, I didnt know how much I needed him until he was
gone, I wrote him letters, cried on the phone, and I could
never get it across to him about how much I love him and
that I believed we were meant to be. I still believe, that
I fell in a deep state of depression, not telling
anyone. I stopped eating, I havent gone back to drugs
until a few weeks ago, and worse of all,I kept, hurting
myself, by trying to be friends... I didnt know his idea
of friendship, was letting him come over and fuck me and
then leave. Only hurt me worse in the long run.. I couldnt
take the hurt, and I knew, I couldnt take it anymore.. One
day at school passing him in the hell, I couldnt take it
and jumpedd into the nearest stal, crying my eyes out. it
was the longest 30 mins of my life, I have never felt so
weak.. I told myself end it, end it... I drove home, being
as depressed as I was I pulled out infront of a car, only
hoping it would kill me and I wouldnt have to deal with it
anymore. Only it smashed the shit and distroyed the cars.
Leaving one more reason for my mom to hate me...
I remember my mom pulling up jumping out of the car,
crying.. I was only looking around watching everyones
mouth moving, trying to figure out, what I have just done,
everything seemed in slow montion, like a movie.. After
that I started seeing a Therapist.. (Hasnt done shit for
me.. I just listen to him talk, and act like im listening,
hoping my parents will make me stop going).
So I fuck up things as I go.. it gets better... I
started forgetting about this guy and moving on.. Working
all the time, dating people, being involed in everything I
could. School started, I told myself, you can get through
anything.. its still hard looking at him every day...
Knowing that I love him so much..But I stopped thinking
about him, working hard in school,getting scholorships,
busy with sports and all together doing great, like he had
never happend... until I got a letter in the mail, Saying
a peom I had written about him (fariy tale time) they
wanted to publish it, and want me to go to Disneys world
to be awarded to awarded, ONE FOR BEING AN OUTSTANDING
POET!!, cool huh.. I think we started talking a little
before that. It didnt get bad till around Christmas
On top of all the shit I have to worry about now..
that asshole, Tells me a whole bunch of shit, about how he
loves me and he was drunk off his ass.. Stupid fuck made
me believe him, and what i thought was a great night, I
thought this were going to change and be better, and that
my prays were answered... LOL.. Sure, I thought .. no I
could have swore he told me the truth, the fucker just
used me again..anyway, too make the story shorter, I didnt
publish the peom, I got knocked up, and I've been doing
drugs... and the only thing that asshole said to me was..
(im sorry) PRICK.. As much as I love him.. I hate him
Anyway,Its longer then that... but Im so sick about
talking about it... I just dont understand, and no one
cares, So I have a great plan..I mean what more can go
Does he not realize his first baby ever, was inside
me,But no I killed it off, life is fucked up. All I can do
is laugh about it,Why cant he just talk about it. cuz he
doesnt care, Why do I have too.. I cant take this anymore,
If anyone cares... I hope I have the night to bleed
away, and be found in the morning.. Theres no answer to
life, and no reason to kill, If I can kill everything that
means something to me , Why cant I kill myself...
Sorry I couldnt be better...Sorry I couldnt tell you
I loved you more... But one day youll look back and see
why i did it.. I cant deal anymore.
Jan,23,03 Goodbye.. goodnight