Lost and Searching
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2003-01-24 00:30:43 (UTC)

I don't know any more

the dr. say that its the drugs that are keeping my hormones
in wack and that is what that is making me so emotional...
and to that i say Bullshit, knowing what i have is what
makes me emotional...knowing that i won't be around,
knowing that i am leaving behind my loved ones, knowing
that i well, just knowing that i haven't had sex in two and
half weeks, well that is killing me....The nights, the damn
long since it is winter i think this has to be
about the worst, during the spring and summer there are the
crickets to sing me to sleep, but now all you can hear it
the cold, cold, wind blowing outside my window, that sends
the chill straight to my bones....I don't know what has
brought the dreams back or the thing that wakes me in the
middle of the night for no reason at all...i mean for the
last couple of nights i have been having a dream but for
the love of god i can't remember what it was about....each
time it starts there is a feeling of familarization and
thats all i can recall...if the dream doesn't wake me up
then something else does and it seems like forever to get
back to sleep...Why is this happening again??? damnit i
can't think of any unresolved conflicts that i have left
undone...i know that i don't like sleeping by myself at
night....but then who does like sleeping alone......i want
a good night's sleep, i want someone to curl up with...and
damnit if meditating doesn't help or kick in soon, then i
am not sure what iam going to do...hell i might have to go
and find a male hooker to rape to get rid of some of my
sexual frustration.....i can't wait till i can get off some
of these damn medications b/c the side effects are starting
to be killer...i am either hungry, nausasated, wide awake,
sleeping....oh got to love this side effect i am either not
in the mood or i can't keep myself from tearing the clothes
off...hehehe poor jeff in the end i did tear his clothes
off, not once but twice......i know at times its like i
don't feel like living anymore, but for some damn reason
god gives me the strength to put one foot in front of the
other to get myself through another day..sometimes i am
thankful for that, and others i can't figure out why he is
punishing me...i guess he isn't ready to handle me in