My Life
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2001-09-14 23:12:32 (UTC)

The New Chapter of My life ... more heart aches

My status in america is in trouble. I have no money, my
parents cannot support me any longer. I dont have anything.
Then 2 of the four awsome guys came to the rescue.

They are brothers; Fran and Julius. To me they are like
angels from heaven... sent to help this fragile little girl
that has nothing... to somehow survive in America.

They are willing to provide me shelter; sharing a room they
rent, and pay for my food. That means a lot to me and I am
sooo touched by their kindness. They are the most sincere
people I have ever known. Even my best of friends never
offered me anything like that. And when they offered it to
me, we have only known each other for like 2 months. I am
sooo grateful for it. And the actually expect for nothing
in return. Nice people. I feel so blessed.

Now, the other two people are Karu and Chris. I was first
close with Karu. Chris came later as an adition to the

I like Karu (as friends that is). Cos he's funny and he's
nice to talk to. And I feel comfy around him that I can
joke around and a lot of times make fun of him, for I know
he wont be offended of what I say. He's the one that David
was so jeleous of. But he's not my type. He has shown that
he cares about me a lot. He even made a joke that he would
have "hospitalized" David if he ever bugged me again or
something. I have never met anyone so caring that I felt so
grateful for him.

And there was this one time when I, Karu and Chris spent
the night in the church, for some reasons I forgot. It was
all dark and we were telling ghost stories, and I was
afraid that I kindda cling to him. Hmmmm but for some
reason I got to comfy, and I let him hold me. In my mind,
it was "hmm this is comfortable"... but nothing else, until
I realized I might have misled him to think that this is
going somewhere else (if you know what I mean). Therefore I
stopped. He was kindda surprised but he stopped too.
We talked about that the day after, and decided that it was
just "a moment" kindda thing between two friends that have
grown comfortable of each other. Because I really dont have
any feelings about him other than he's such a good friend.

Now, I'm starting to notice Chris for we have talked quite
a lot. Mainly exchanging opinions about the case of me and
David and the case of him and his ex-s. And I have grown to
like him little by little.

Then one night when he were kindda buzzed after a long
night of drinking, after Karu went home, we kissed. I was
not drunk, I had to stay sober for those guys so that if
they couldnt drive I could. We kissed. He asked if I could
be his girlfriend,, but I kept saying no. Cos I wasnt sure
of my feelings for him and that I think there are other
girls that could fit his idea of a good girlfriend than me.
I actually think that he deserves better.

But he kept asking and asking almost everyday for a couple
of weeks, and I was melt by his determination and I was
also starting to realize that I actually like him. So...
after all those no-s, I was about ready to say yes.

It was in the first night of retreat that I was about to
tell him yes, he said this first, "So, d'ya think we should
terminate this relationship?" I was stunned, my heart
dropped, "You know, I was about to say yes... since you
said that I want to know the reason why."

Then he told me his mom dislike the idea that I was living
with 2 guys in the same room and that later on we (the 4
guys and me) might be moving into the same house. His mom
is a typical traditional Indonesian mom (she is a great
person though, I've talked to her before and I like her),
with a strong grip on values and stuff. And he said that
since I've been saying no all this time he thought it would
be easy for me. I cried, knowing that if just because of
that he wanted to end this, that means he doesnt care/love
about me enough. But what more can I say, I cant tell him
to forget his mom, cos I know that's not right. So I said
ok, if that's what he wanted. And we hugged, and he said I
love you and stuff, my heart ached.

The whole retreat was like ... a burden to me, and I didnt
feel like talking to anyone either. Which aroused some
curiosity of others.

Anyway, we went back from retreat, and he spend the night
at our place (me, fran and julius') but he still came to my
bed. We didnt do anything though, that was also partly
because there's this one guy who also spent the night
there, so there wasnt enough room for him. But then in the
middle of the night, something suddenly happen. I was
confused but it's not like I didnt want it to happen, but
to him (as I later asked him), he thought it was a dream.
In my heart I said, yeah right! But then it happened again
and again. I started to like him more and more...
And we started acting like we're actually together. Even to
our friends we said we're together.

But we discussed about it, and he said he couldnt see
himself marrying me, so whatever this is ... it's not
serious. To that I said ok. Cos I'm also thinking that it's
not we're gonna get married.

But then last night he said, "Hey, dont like me too much
ok?" I was like, "What???" He said, "You know, cos in 2
more weeks it'll be over..." In my head, I said wait a
minute! Am I missing something here? "What 2 weeks?" He
replied, "Yeah, the whole month deal?!" I was so
dismayed, "Did we make an agreement that this is a month
contract only?" He said, "As far as i'm concern .. yes!"
Oh my God, my jaw dropped. I cant believe i'm stupid again.
I swear to god, I have never agreed to that. Did I miss it
somehow??? But how? It's such an important thing that I
shouldnt miss. I felt so used again... but yet, if I did
agree to it (although I may not realize it now), then
there's nothing I could do but to accept it. "Really?"I
asked, He said, "Yeah.." Then there was silence, he
asked, "What do you want?" I couldnt say anything else, "I
want you and me together... but if you want it that way, ..
then so be it." God, I like him so much now that I almost
willing to do just about anything to be with him. ANOTHER

Now my heart is crushed again. Cant I find someone who
loves me for me, and whole heartedly like I love him???
All of these times it's always heartache. I was always
lifted up, and smashed to the ground. And it's all because
I actually allow my self to be lifted up THEN smashed to
the ground.
Is it really my fault that I want to be loved, or at least
experience the return of my love??? Is it my fault for
trying, for reading the wrong signs?
Geesh, I feel so useless, ... the financial trouble is not
gone, and I have additional problems too.

This has been a year of trial for me. I dont know what God
is trying to do to me or where is he trying to lead me...
But...all I know he has mold me, and make me stronger than
I was before. I have no regrets for what happen, for these
are the spices of live, that make live more interesting...
And I belive that he would not give trials more than I can
handle... so if he thinks I could handle this, than why do
I have to whine? For I am sure that he has his own reasons
and purposes in doing anything.

Now... all I have to do is ... advoid being caught by IRS,
INS, look for illegal jobs, and advoid making any "stupid
mistakes", that I should be more careful with my heart.

That's all for now,
I'll keep an update of what happens next.

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