Antonio Bonds

Tony81
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2001-09-14 11:04:09 (UTC)

As I walk through the valley.......

What the hell am I gonna go...I'm stuck in a really sticky
situation....On one hand.....I consider myself someone that
is beginning to understand what is really going on in his
world and in this universe....and I do understand that I am
in control of me and my world....but on the other
hand....My life if a mess right now...It's nowhere near
bad....granted it could be alot worse. But I seem to always
be faced with an abnormal number of choies everyday....I
know what your thinking...everyone has choices to make
everyday....but in my case....it seems that everyday I have
to make a life or death choice...And what I decide just
doesn't affect me directly....but there are quite a few
people that live or die by what I decide...I do not want
it to be like this....but I have put my self unwittingly in
the position of leadership for quite a few people....the
pressure that I feel sometimes already is ENORMOUS. Add
that on the emotional issues that I thought I had solved
already.....coming back up in my life and this is almost
unbearable.....Shit...the only thing that is even keeping
me together right are my beliefs and my goals...I
mean...ARGHHHH!!!

1.)About my "career"...I'm finally in the position to where
I am able to pretty much take the bull by the horns and
FINALLY play out my various goals and plans without further
setbacks...But what to do...it it one thing conceptualizing
thngs....but it is a whole 'nother when your making deals
and signing shit...Will I REALLY be able to handle
it...what happens if I can't?

2.) About *I know who*...What is up with this.... I have
been otally hi by surprize...never in my life did I would
think I would feel this way for anybody....What I feel..I
have no clue.....but it is not me....For instance....I wuld
use to NEVER let anybody see any kind of emotional weakness
in me at ALL....I have never even thought that I wanted to
be with someone for an indefinite amount of
time...Shit...Even though on a higher, humanity level I do
love everyone in this universe....I never even thought I
would want to even try to get to love someone on a
personal, deeper level....I mean I never have decided
against it....but I just never really thought about
it....Sure...I've always have my crushes of the
week.....but I usually either get with the person I had my
eye on...or let them go ..all in a span of a few
weeks.....well...i've "liked" this person for three years
and counting......And it makes no sense at all....I don't
even really PERSONALLY know this person ...not like I would
like at least...but it is getting stronger....Scary
stuff....Old zebras rule indeed.

2a.) One thing I will and have learned from *I know
who*...regardless of were things go...is the power of
personal love....I had always underestimated it before...I
have actually had the experience of smiling like a idiot
for no damn reason just TALKING to someone....I have for
the first time ...really ever attempted to put my guts on
the line and not even care what happens to them....for the
first time ever I actually had no interest in getting my
acorns off with someone.....I mean I think this person is
the cutestthing in the world....but I am/would be happy
just talking and touching this person....anything more is
just a bonus....

Whatever ends up happening with *I know who*..... I
will forever love this person...whether they know it or not
for giving me the opportunity to find within myself the
ability to be open and vulnerable...I have regained a bit
ofmy innocence back because I have realized that it is OK
to love....it does not have to hurt and it does not have to
be used against you...every since I was little tike I have
really been emotionally shutoff from people because of the
circumstances I grew up in.....I have taken a very big step
in breaking that shell now...and I am forever grateful.

I don't now what I have rambled here.....but it is my
journal and it doesn't hae to make a bit of sense. Toodles
till later...:-)


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