in deep sh*t
2001-09-14 10:42:23 (UTC)

I look back and I see that ALL..

I look back and I see that ALL was right about R. I was wrong. But I did not know believe him when he said he had current info. Tomorrow I shall tell him that I was wrong and he was right. I honestly though it was a case of harrasment. But make no mistake several of the people there dont like ALL except for the many girls he has slept with and his fellow pirhanas. I think I may know his real identity. In fact I suspect that he is a porn star or something I saw him naked a while ago if he's the person I'm thinking of.

I've been thinking about my life...and about bad things that happen. Initially I had associated bad things with j because he had obvious flaws and I believed what Jesse told me about him. Jesse told me that he is a loser that I shouldn't waste my time on him shouldn't try to love him and that most importantly he would drag me down. I loved j anyway because I loved him but he must have resented me because of my attitute to him and because I thought so little of him maybe. I never realized the impact of this on him or on men etc. Well I somewhat paid for that. (But I really feel that j left because I had been so abused at that time that i needed him too much and that was too much to handle. I drained him.)hmm I look at the 'interaction' between ALL and im and I see that he wants that respect. He wants her to admit...something. And she just won't compromise.To her pride and trust are probably everything so she won't be reconcilled to him most likely. I know because I used to be like her.
ALL doesn't seem to believe me when I tell him about Jesse! I can't imagine my life without you. My God...how horrible my life would have been without you.Maybe I would have gone to jail...alot of things could have happened. My whole reputation all because I thought that it was funny in junior high if I were to #@$$#^%&.I'm lucky that we weren't here then.
Because of you I know how things were between j and I? How come I never trusted j like that? Why not tell him where I was? Why not give him information? Because after I told him I cared for him etc by his response I knew that this little sickness called 'love' I had to deal with it on my own. I had to destroy it on my own. Or I had to simply pretent that it did not exist.
If you knew I loved you and I was there with you don't you think I know that you would have used it against me. You would have tried to control me ultimately..I may have flaws but you have them too. You would have ruined and destroyed me and I would have let you because I couldn't help myself. And if you wouldn't have then well there shall be another chance but IF the FATES are willing.
Because of Jess I cannot be betrayed. And in the event that I dont have a choice at least I will know what I'm getting into.
I would have loved j though for the sake of art. I really respect that. He inspires me and I can produce alot of beauty because of him. Hes my muse let's say.
Apparently moments of weakness dont matter do they lifetimes do. Isn't that why r killed himself. Because he knew he lost ..and his hold over Moll was gone. She only wanted him in a moment of weakness.
I know that Jess had my best interest at heart...he wanted for me to grow...he looked out for me because truly theres no one else who will.

But now I am not satisfied. I'm thinking about bad things and they continue to happen to me. here. So my solution is that I will accept myself. I am dual. Half of me has to be evil and damaged...how can it not be after everything thats been done to me? How can it not be jess? HOW? And the other part is the part that is 100% good and perfect ALL THE TIME. Because of my broad spectrum of life I am able to get along with anyone. But it had to be a combination of those 2.
The messed up person etc can relate to people like j I now discover because yeah I am messed up and I am one of those people.
And the good part etc can relate to the h and such who actually I find the majority of them are liars.
In case I get ambushed by the pirhannas I can charm them somewhat.
What if one of them can get to me somehow? Like j did...did he catch me of guard because it was a very vulnerable time in my life? Or was it because I was't exposed to people like him and didn't realize my intense 'addiction'? I must have improved because no one can control me now. Now that charming boy that was just here who I was starting to get infatuated with. I dont know his name.
It makes me wonder what my flaw is? If All came after me what would he find?

I am remotely convinced that he is right about 'something' because why is it that he has a conscience and why is he merciful? Could it be because he has done 'everything' and he truly cares about what is good? Or what is right?
ok that may be.
Perhaps his extreme ego and somewhat shall we say 'manipulative' ways have blinded me from seeing that.

I have stopped dismissing people for not living up to standards. Perhaps that initial fear came from knowing people who are crazy who have completely fucked up my life.

I have to think for a while now. Why did I think that you had a hold on me Jess? Was it because I am vulnerable and YOU know all about it? About everything. About how truly broken I am and about what I've had to endure and about how there was no one to help me or prevent what happened. I wasn't going explain what happened. I have explained to A and to some people maybe but only flippantly. No one knows truly what it means to me. Except for you. I thought you could fix it for me..I thought that I would never trust you or love you again if you didn't. But now I see that I don't have to rely on you for this. I must have before because I needed you too much.I didn't like the alternative. But when I think about it now its amazing that there is an 'alternative' because there was nothing else. It made me cry when I saw it because I wanted it so much. I don't know if you can understand what i means to me. I cried because I thought I could never have it. That something won't work out. Like j...but lately I had been depressed about things I can't have. You've enabled me to have so much because you've had to hurt me to get me 'together'. I really see that you love me.
Once again this dilema about what to do next. You know the reason I struggle so much is because you mean to much to me to just dismiss. I couldn't ever do that. You are longterm in my life you know. I love you too much. More than even j.You are the best part of me and I am lost when you aren't with me...much like the past couple of days.I couldn't have come this far you know.
I just have to know some things. You cared for me when no one did. And for me at this age to have so much...wow. Other people aren't like that I know.

Before I contaminate myself (lmfao) I shall truly look for the Myth of Stephan...what is it about him? Is it possible that I made a foundational error. Is it possible that j is not that person.
Also Gabriel the Hero...what the hell is that? I'm afraid to read about these people because of what I will know and find out about myself.Need I say that BD is pretty much me? We are so alike that we have the same issues. Maybe I was her in the last life.
The man in the wheelchair...I told j about that. He told me he would hate that because he would never want to need anyone. I wonder about that man what was his role?

Are men like Gabriel dangerous?

I know Stephan is not evil or bad. He was just got terribly ill healthwise and he almost died because of what the obsession cost him? I look at Stephan and I see that he was the model that everything was based after. Also it was some of Stephan and some of other hero's. They were good because they were seeking justice?
I made a mistake?
Isn't Stephan more like the German soldier Palmer who was drawing a sparrow in the middle of his briefing? These men were not mean or horrible. Didn't Stephen let ~~ love him and the way that he kissed her was it not gentle and such. Was he ever a womanizer? NEVER.Isn't Stephan more like Doug?
There is a simple explanation. I made a mistake. So why the need to find info about j?
Dammit wasn't Stephan an Englishman? Or he should be if he isn't. Thank you ralph...he is another example.The minute I see meanness or womanizing I understand that this wasn't what we signed up for dammit!!

At any rate...before I go back to people like j I will be well prepared. What is it that I am to learn from them? What is it that I must know?

I know pride is bad so is meanness and snobbiness. I can 'not' have those flaws if I chose too. But I am interested in knowing what your flaws are. Perhaps egotism? And once you realized I am not the goody 2 shoes that you feel judges you you welcome me as one of your own yes?
However as one of your own...what type of respect is that? I have to be subject to your terms somewhat...and most of the women like that are degenerates in my opinion. hmm I can already see that the grass isn't greener on the other side.
what as just another conquest?
You have to be special for me to be interested in you as more than more out of curiosity.

A was just talking to me. Man i keep forgetting for guys looks are kind of everything where as for me its looks plus how a person is and if they understand me etc

I really need to make an attempt to not keep being out of touch with reality.

hmm...back to

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