Claudia

once again
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2001-09-14 06:04:33 (UTC)

nothing

I guess they're right when they say that sometimes you
really don't know your'e feelings until someone leaves. I
thought Tony and I were a fling with me, but now I stop to
realize that I actually instilled trust and care into a man
that made all these empty promises to a girl he knew was
and has been hurt badly and he still continued to live a
liee with me. How can someone do that and not completely
hate themsleves? But Tony is no more to me. I want to see
him one last time to get my cd, give him his tape and let
him see what kind of a decent woman he lost and just hate
himself for hurting 2 people at once. I hope he wakes up
everyday and asks what the hell he was doing. I can't miss
him because how do you miss someone who really wasn't
there? I miss having somewhere to go after work. But what
I miss is the person who fell asleep with me everynight and
woke me up to say I love you and would give me butterfly
kisses and eskimo kisses. The one who remembered my
mothers birthday and remebered every month our anniversary
before I even remebered and would make dinner even if I ate
at work. THe one who even if he wasn't hungry wold it my
food andwould leave somewhere even if he didn't just
because I said I was bored. The one who would know exactly
where to look if I wasn't at home and he knew I was upset
and He knew where I went to think about my mom. The one
who would comfort me all day when I would have a crying
spell and lay in bed all day. Shawn was all this and more
to me and we both pushed each toher away. I can't say it
was all him because I knew that alot i did was partly to
blame, but I know he screwed up too. And I don't know what
to believe about him cheating. There's evidence but then
there's some peices of the story that just don't fit.
He'll probably never adnit it to me but Tara went through
the same thing with John and she left him and moved an hour
away and It scared him. No they're okay and she knows he'd
never do it again. I think that this might have been the
greatest thing to happen for Shawn and I. I just hope we
really are meant to be together because I can't picture my
likfe ever without him. And reality is that the last 2
months I have been without him and the last 5 we haven't
been together. I honestly believe that after my mom died I
chose to stay in Florida because I was going to find my
husband. I knew I shouldn't leave and I didn't know why
then. At the time I knew I could move back here and have
it made with school, not working, a car. But I told myself
to stay and it would figure itself out. When I met SWhawn
I knew why I stayed so long. Now I want to never loose
that. I pray to God everyday thatI am doing the right
thing with us. I miss my best friend that Tony came
between, but can I honestly forgive and forget? THings
work two ways and she did things too. I don't know if I
would ever be able to trust her again. But I miss having
someone to call and know exactly what I meant. Sarah is
and always will be like my sister, but she hasn;t
experienced the same things. I don't know if this
friendship should be salvaged. I'm lost. I know Amica
hurt me in a way I never thought she would and I have no
trust in her. Tara tells me things will work out, but she
doesn't know all this yet. She was suppsed to call me
yesterday, she had her dr. visit to find out the baby's
sex. I need to call her tomorrow. The only thing that
makes sense is Shawn. I just hope I haven't fallen for
more broken promises.


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