owen

College Trials and Tribulations
2003-01-22 04:02:53 (UTC)

A view of self~PLEASE READ

Thought: I would rather be hated for who I am than loved
for who I am not~

Mood: Tired


So at about 2:30 in the AM, with my roomate's help I came
to a mini-empiphany. I will try to explain it to you in
the simplest terms that I can.

I do not fit in anywhere...Now let me explain. As people
grow up they let the environment around influence them in
different ways. For example, my grandma clung to religion
her whole life. I don't think she would have lived for 91
years had God not been apart of her life. My twin brother
joined the military after graduating at the mid-term of
our senior year. He enjoys it very much. With out the
military I don't know that he would have ever went to
college or done anything with his life. These are just two
examples of the over all idea I am trying to convey.

The idea being that many people's identities are formed
by the groups they gravitate towards. In a simlpier sense
my grandma as a poor daughter of immigrants found
acceptence in the church and my brother has found a large
group of hard working people who are able to follow sets
of rules within a hierarchical system. It is in basic
human nature to want to find acceptence somewhere, and
when humans do, their personalities and identities tend to
be formed by the group which has accepted them. In this
sense humans tend to be secure in themselves so far as
they have a group to turn back too and also to speak out
from.

That being said this I have come to the understanding
that I don't not fit into a group of any sort. Growing up
I have taken certain ideas and concepts from many
different "groups" and or human created systems ie.
military, religion, boy scouts etc. Yet, I have never held
to any of these groups and I do not look to them for
acceptence. In this fashion I have come to realize I don't
really have a group which I can turn back to or speak out
from. I only have me.

This presents some issues for me. 1st. At times I find it
hard to keep my being together. Since I don't a group to
turn to in times of mental or emotional crisis (which are
few) I have to either look to something new or look over a
combination of things. 2nd. I tend to become judgemental
of people. I know that I sometimes come off as being mean,
bitter and even distainful but my over all intention is
always good. I don't like to see people fall into these
groups to such an extent that they lose themselves there
identity to the "group". Their interests and some
characteristics tend to fade into the group interests and
characteristics. I want these people to break free and not
to be sucked in.

Now don't get me wrong I think some of these group serve
as postive places for people who have no place else to go.
At the same some of these groups feed on the mentally weak
and they get sucked in and lose them selves to a greater
clique if you will. I also see these groups as being
elitist. Not only are they not as encompassing of
outsiders but they also have divisons within the group.
This can have a dramatic effect on the people within the
divisions. Their views now become even more narrowed.

I also think that humans create sub-groups that may not
be "organized" as people see most groups such as religion.
The main difference being that these groups do not have a
any type of written tradtion and or means of "group
definition" most of these un-written groups have oral,
visual and or audiotary tradion and most of the people
that gravitate towards these groups tend to have had
falling out with other "written groups."

This is not a percise nor a perfect observation I only
see it as my own observation and I am more than open to
comment.




Ad: