Jem

Jem's Ramblings
2003-01-22 03:37:17 (UTC)

who fucking knows

6:40pm
well i finished the book. i dont know how i feel about
being done. its almost been like a resourse guide for me.
whenever i feel like im taking one step closer to the
insane corner of my brain i can pick it up and read it and
it tells me that how im feeling is normal. I seem to be
stuck. I havent really made any progress in the past few
months. maybe its got to do with all the hours i was
working in nov. and dec. could have to do with the fact
that as supportive as my parents are they dont want to
listen to what i have to say. they support me in doing what
ever it takes to heal, but they dont want details on what
happend, they dont want me to tell them when im at a point
that im likely gonna off myself. they are there but at the
same time not. from what i've read thats totally common.
Luckly i have good friends that listen, P has been great,
as much as sometimes i know he has no idea what to say just
the fact that hes there makes me feel a little better. I've
got his cell number and know i can call any time i need
him. All my friends are good like that thank god. i dont
think i'd be here if it wasnt for them. i just wish i didnt
feel like i do. i just want to be normal. i know normal is
relative but i just wanna be like everyone else, u know
blend in and not be stuck out like a sore thumb. maybe i
should start a sore thumb club for all of us out there that
dont feel like we fit in. then the "normal" people who try
to filtrate our group will feel like we do, and u know they
will try, they want to rule the world. little do they
know , I am going to rule the world one day. i have a plan!
i'll tell you someday.
I'm going to be famous. for making the mentally ill people
the "in crowd" just you watch!!!. hehe whatever haha. nah i
dont wanna rule the world. ok maybe i do. hehe if i had
that much power that would rock. i guess i could always
start a cult or something. it would be humm. well i dont
know. i'd be the punky haired, pierced, tattooed goddess
and everyone would worship me haha. to be in my cult you'd
have to pierce your tongue and dye your hair and get at
least 1 tattoo. and not a dumb one. and you'd have to
believe that the freaks will one day take over the world.
and i'll rise to power and become the us president, yes
i'll be the first canadian to rule the usa hahaha. i
believe these are what my therapist calls "cognative
delusions" hahaha.
i had to sign a contract with her last week , one saying i
wouldnt kill myself , u know what i think thats silly, what
difference does a piece of paper make? if im gonna do it im
gonna do it.
If i didnt mind blood as much as i do i would have by now.
but due to me not liking it its kinda difficult to do it
and it actually work.
i've gone sooo far off topic this stuff isnt making sense
anymore. i whine alot. i feel like a 13 year old girl
bitching about pimples and boys or something. thats not how
i am.
im not in a good mood as you can tell , im aggitated about
something is that a word? hehe
my sister will be home in a few hours. im kinda excited.
but kinda not. i know i wont rule the phone line anymore so
my online time has just been cut in half. but now i'll have
someone to play tony hawk with.
I see my therapist M tomorrow. at 3. she'll be thrilled
that i completed the book. my moms reading it now. she'll
wanna spend the whole hour and a half talking about it i
know she will. but thats not what i wanna talk to her about
tomorrow. i wanna really talk to her tomorrow. its taken me
this long to be comfortable enough to share my memories
with her now. i have to get them out.
im supposed to work at 6 tomorrow night. only for a few
hours. i dont want to but i need the $$.
man im sleepy again. its hot in my room and i think it
makes me more tired than i already am. so i will go lay
down and watch tv for a bit. I cant wait to talk to R
tonight :) i like talking to him alot.
12:16am
ok this is just a note for R :) goodnight hun :) i cant
wait till we can ..... i dont need to tell you :) u know :)
jem




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