theelbster

Autobiography of a fool
2001-09-13 20:07:49 (UTC)

Goodbye, my friend.

Last night was a horrible night. For the first time in my
life, I have decided to not be friends with someone whom I
care very deeply about. I guess that it was inevitable, and
there's nothing I can do about it. If A doesn't want to be
friends with me except to maintain a social circle or
because she feels guilty, then she doesn't want to be
friends. I felt numb all last night, but I woke up crying
this morning. It's hard to keep going right now, and I
really want a good cry, but I'm at work, so I can't let
myself.
Anyhow, I have found that I don't have the ability to cry
consistently. My eyes tear, then they dry up. I dunno.
It's so sad. She's so uncomfortable with me that just
looking at me stresses her out, and she reads into
everything that I say or do. Reads the wrong thing too. I
guess I'm not too torn up about it though. Maybe I wasn't so
into her after all? Or maybe it had been so long, that this
was the merciful last step? I dunno. I feel bad about some
of the things I said. I believe that they're true, but I
still feel bad about it. I'm a little bit shaky, and I need
a distraction, but that's all it would be, a distraction.
The next few days, and especially the nights, are going to
be hard ones. I'm going to need to stay active all the time.
I guess I need to go buy some new books, but I don't really
want to. I want to study Spanish, to learn it well, even
though A won't be in my life anymore.
What am I saying...I'm ever hopeful. I look forward to the
day that we can be friends, close friends. I would LOVE to
be her boyfriend too, but that's a pipe dream. I don't even
know if I'm doing the right thing. All I know is that I'm
doing something that I already regret. How can something
that feels so wrong be right? By deciding to not go to the
RSF anymore, I feel like I'm running away, and that it will
solve nothing, so I know that I need to go to the RSF again.
Then again, I know that by going to the RSF, I will make
life tough on Anabel and me. Whee! Conundrums in conundrums!
What do I do? I think I won't go to the RSF for about a
month. Then I'll probably start going again. I need to stop
living day to day. I know that I do need to go back to
establish my presence, or whatever, or to show A that I'm
not running away or anything. Pshaw. In the meanwhile, I
guess I'll need to have a rampant social life. More later.