mmp

Oh to be Single...
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2003-01-21 04:40:36 (UTC)

Battling the Breakup Ghost

Okay, my first entry. First time doing journal stuff online.
And allowing it to be viewed by others...oh well, what the
hell.

Tomorrow will officially be 4 months since we broke up. Man,
what a roller coaster of emotions. One day up, one day down,
several days going through the and inverted loop at 4 Gs.
But after 4 months, why the hell am I not done with the
grieving? Why can't the blackness just go away? I really
didn't think I would feel so much hurt. Just when I think
I've battled it, BAM it comes right back to haunt my days
and disturb my nights.

On the up days, I sit there and wonder what exactly I'm
upset about. What is there to really miss about him? He was
a jerk. Completely enthralled with his ex. I was so the
rebound girl. I knew it but I kept hoping it wasn't true.
Nothing wrong with having faith in a relationship. Geez, the
red flags were there. I just, in my moments of desperateness
and wanting and longing choose to ignore them and hoped they
would go away. Oh please. They were slapping me in the face
like some big red Chinese communist flag!! But then the
ultimate, he cheated. He did everything that was typical of
a rebound relationship. He used me, I helped build up his
confidence, made him feel good and then he was gone. Moved
on to the next thing without a moments hesitation. Then
let's recall the the biggest knife stab of all - he did this
after I moved to a city 1800 miles away. He asked me to move
with him, and like a dumb ass, I did. Hooked, lined and
sunk. Now I'm left in a town that I'm sure is great but I
can't get over the hurt. I can't hang out in certain areas
because I'm terrified of running into him and his new
chippee. I can't do the things we used to do together -
that would hurt way too much and I'm sure he's taking her to
all those places now.

I can say and scream out loud how proud of myself I am for
not pulling any stupid ex-girlfriend tricks. I have not
driven past the condo we lived in since the day I moved out,
I have not called him, I have not spoken to him since Oct. 7
and I can't be happier about that. The hard part is we work
for the same company. Damn, we're right down the hall from
each other. I hate going to work. i used to love my job now
each breath I take in that building is a struggle because
I'm reminded of all the pain. I loved this man. I loved him
with my whole heart. I worshipped him (that was probably my
first mistake).I loved being in his twisted little world.
But I didn't love his obession with his ex. His lack of
getting me any Xmas presents. His severe lack of maturity. I
don't miss the lack of bad sex. I don't miss the lying about
sneak off to lunch to see his ex. I know wonder how many
times he snuck off to lunch to see his new chippee.

Okay, this is boring and who the hell hasn't been hurt like
this before. For me, it's a first. I've been in
relationships before and been hurt but never cheated on.
What a learning experience this has been.

I'll write something pithy and profound later.


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