crumbs *n* rats
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2001-02-18 14:18:45 (UTC)

Well, I couldn t go to bed..

Well, I couldn't go to bed without saying a few words here. I'm the type of person where, if I go to sleep dwelling on something I should have done (or wanted to do), I will be bombarded with all types of nightmares. Usually my grandmothers' are in there somewhere. Never actually been close to either one of them. Can't say I feel as if I'm missing out though. Neither one are exactly pouring out with sugar-n-spice. Correction: one died almost 20 years ago. I was just a little kid back then. All I really remember of her was when she threatened me when I sat on the armrest of her precious couch...and another time she feared I would pee-pee in one of her spare beds. Well, I was only 5 or 6 years old, but I must have knew it would piss her off ( excuse the pun). That night, in the wee hours, I DID pee in that damn bed. Yeehaw!! I still take great pride in that little revenge tactic. Of course, after she died, strange occurances would happen in our home for about 10-12 years thereafter. Caused my whole childhood to be fucked up and hellish. I do not believe every ghost story I hear...too many people out for attention and shit. But I know the things my own eyes have seen...things that have absolutely no explaination. I am happy enough going through life settling with the belief that it was my grandmother wreaking havoc on us all them years. It doesn't surprise me either. You would have to know her to understand what I mean. ANYWAYS! Dammit, I'm about to go to sleep with this shit on my mind. Oh, heres another happy subject thats bound to put fluffy little sheep in my dreams......I just found out a few days ago that my godmother is in serious physical condition. I would love to find the perfect words to describe this let others feel that certain intensity she gives off. Most people in my life I can fairly easily describe in words, at least partially. But I wont even try that with *nettie*. She is greater than anything my mind can conjure up to type here. Without going into gruesome details (which I would if it werent so close to sleepy time), basically the doctors said that if a certain medical condition becomes any more severe, she would be limited to just 4 more days of life. Even as I sit here talking about it, I honestly don't feel its sunken in. Maybe its because I feel nettie is somehow invinceable....kind of like Superman, except even kryptonite cannot bring her down. By the way, that 3 Doors Down song *Kryptonite* was damn good until every single radio station known to mankind ran it into the ground. So on a final note about my *nettie*, I love her and will pray to her God that she be watched over and guided to safety..wherever that might be. I would pray to *my God*...but I cannot say I have one...just yet. I'm kind of running around in circles here on this subject. On one hand I feel that since man has such strong need for answers to everything in existance, it was inevitable that some sort of God were to be *created*. After all, no matter how many documentaries I watch, no matter how many times I have tried to study out the *true* meanings of the Bible....some things just do not add up. On the other hand, I feel kind of cursed. If I choose to not believe in it all, they say my soul will burn in this *hell* I keep hearing about. Well I'm feeling no pressure here...damn. Take my family, for instance. They are Christians. Well, my dad has questionable doubts, as do I. After sitting back hearing Dad's preaching all my life, I have learned that a person has a tendancy to take the parts of the Bible THEY feel comfortable with...and they will ram it down my throat in attempt to convert my feelings and beliefs to match theirs. Mom is against homosexuality and mixing of the races...but she feels you will not burn in hell if you commit suicide. This is a good example of what I just referred to....taking the beliefs that you are comfortable with, etc. Dad is against homosexuality, race-mixing and suicide. But I have heard him speak of some things before that he feels are ok, yet the Bible goes against. I just cannot remember at the moment. Oh well. Anyways. The good thing about Mom is that her mind is kind of like Play Doh. On many occassions I have battled it out with her, and to say the least, I have made achievements. No it is not my place to all-out change a persons personal views on things. But I do try to shed a little light on issues that most people just want to ignore or deny existance of. Take me, for example (whoa! I'm just gonna keep on typing!) When I was born, a lot of shit hit the fan. I wasn't exactly what my parents expected or even wanted. All new parents just love to count their newborn babies fingers and toes and brain cells and stuff. Well, I set out from the day of conception to go completely against everything that was considered *normal*. Once again, I take pride in being the opposite of what people want or desire...hehe, always the rebel here. Anywho! My grandmother had said I was a product of Satan to punish my mom for any/all unGodly behavior she was involved in while growing up. Me a product of Satan. No wonder that marks her off my *favorite Grandmother* list. But she has a point, to a certain extent. The Bible DOES say that if you are born with any deformities, slight or severe, this shows the Devil intervened and decided to put his little signiture on you...kind of like...*This handcrafted human made by Satan*..only $19.95. Well I'm happy happy happy. And I must go now. Maybe after writing all this stuff, not only will I see my grandmothers in my dreams...but maybe Papa Satan will surprise me with a guest appearance. Ok Ok I'm going now. Damn, I wonder if I can make the next journal entry just a little longer...and just a little more warped in subjects. Buh bye!

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