xiaobaibai

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2003-01-20 21:53:53 (UTC)

i wonder why?

some time back, a friend of mine had broken up with her
boyfriend of almost 2 years. i asked her how was she
feeling one day and she told me that she wasn't feeling too
good. the thing about her relationship was that she wasn't
happy together with this guy and throughout the 1 over
year, she had constantly thought of and wanted to break up
with him. so i asked her again, since she was never really
happy with him, why does she feel so sad about the whole
breakup? shouldn't she feel relieved??
she told me that she did feel relieved, but some part
of her felt empty, like she was missing something of great
import. although what that something was, she didn't know.
at that time, i was acting like the worldly all knowing
good friend; lending her my listening ear and dishing out
suggestions and advice as to what was wrong. at that time,
i didn't exactly understand how someone could feel like
that.
now, i finally understand. i had just broken up with my
boyfriend yesterday. even though my relationship wasn't as
long as hers, it had many similarities. the whole breakup
incident had started with a full week of ignoring each
other which finally lead up to him suggesting that maybe we
should just remain as friends.
i spent that week deciding as to whether i should try
to salvage the relationship or whether i should just let it
go since i wasn't happy in it. it was an agonizing week.
finally when it came down to crunch time, i decided to just
let it go, telling myself it is the right decision. and
yet, i feel so empty now. i keep thinking back on all the
times i had with him, good and bad, and gives me this
feeling of unfamiliar longing. but the strange part is that
this longing doesn't seem to be directed at him or my
memories of him, but rather something else.
i just cannot stop this feeling and its making me feel
depressed and unhappy. i wish i could grieve for my
relationship properly and say i missed him and cry over my
loss of him. but mostly, i just hope this feeling will
pass. even so, i wonder why i don't feel the sense of
relief that my friend felt over her "escape" of being stuck
in something that would have made her long for freedom. did
i make the wrong decision?? could i have felt more than i
cared to admit??


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