lilith.

aimless letter..

i noe dis might not even be seen by anyone, much less dy
but let me just pour my hearts out.. and say what i have to
say before i cant.

the past few days have been terrible for me.. people always
say if u let em go and they come back to you, it was meant
to be.. but here i am in a position whereby i didnt even
let go and shes not even coming back..

i am as far as possible clueless to what have happened the
past few days.. this has been so far the longest period of
time since both of us have gone awol on each other.. i noe
not where the fault lies but as far as i have tried to mend
the fault, by sending mails, i have yet to receive
anything.
i remembered saying sorry.. to atone for the mess that i
may have created dis time arnd, but i dont noe wat i did
that made me unforgivable.

we walk pass by each other as strangers, siti saying that
its because neither one of us have made the first move..
but sympathise with me for once for i just thought she
might want space from me. i feel like a fool. totally
downright fool. walking around aimlessly hoping i get a tap
on de shoulder a hi or even a goodbye.. why cant i do so
myself you ask? why cant i simply go up to her and do so??
simply because i dont noe.. im stumped for a moment to be
honest.. but when someone finds it difficult to even spend
3 minutes on de payphone with you.. you doubt whether that
someone wants you to say hi or bye to her..

just look at it this way...here i am on my comp screen
lamenting about how shit im feeling.. how im crying
everyday over de fone to ti and ling.. seeking counsel from
luq.. hoping these people would tell me theres a ray of
hope left.. saying to me dat dys probably wants a
breather.. shell come back to you... things i want to hear
from her mouth.. but here i am seeking and asking em from
other people...from my own eyes, i see shes doing fine..
laughing and joking and looking happy with other people.. i
dont want to change them if shes happy.. id be utmost
grateful to god.. but please baby dont leave me hangin
there..please..

baby

here i am doing crazy shits that i half wished i am not
doing..
here i am crying at your absence..
here i am wishing youd come back to me..
here i am wondering what my mistakes were and hoping i
could undo them
here i am going crazy when i cant see you,
here i am hoping that we could be together..

but hell care about all this if you dont feel the same
way.. just say it to me baby please if you dont love me
anymore, if you cant be with me anymore.. if you dont want
to come back to me, if u think my presence is simply
messing you up because you said i like to get messed.. and
if u dont want to be together with me.. just come to me and
say it to me please..

i honestly dont noe why we have to go thru all dis shit..
and if u want to free urself, do it..
i cant take it anymore.. im going nuts..
your silence is killing me... but i fear ur choice would
kill me too.. so i dont really noe..
what i do noe.. is i miss you terribly.. and an awful
feeling is telling me youre not feeling de same way...
and dat feeling sucks...why cant we be ourselves like we
were yesterday...

god, why do i have to a loser and cry all the time..

-lilith
1943pm
13 sept 01