One hell of a life
1-20-03 entry thirty one
You know what I absolutely hate?
People think I'm happy, I'm normal, nothing's particularly
wrong in my life. Maybe they're right about the last two
things - but they're wrong about the first one. There are
some times I feel on top of the world - such as when I'm
hanging with my best friend and we're laughing our guts
out. But then one comment, one thought can turn it all
upside down. Maybe I'm not worthless, stupid, mindless,
blah blah blah. But I sure feel like it.
God, sometimes I read diaries by people who are always
complaining about their lives and I'm like, "oh god, spare
me, I mean sure I feel your pain, but is it really that
bad?" People exaggerate. I'm sure I'm probably exaggerating
right now. But right now, I need to be one of those people
who complains about life, who cries over getting crap
grades, who gets angry after losing a biology book. I don't
want anyone who reads this entry to write to me about it,
or to mention it to me. I don't want to talk about it, I
just need to get it out of my system. And if you do ask me
about it or bring it up - I won't answer. Cause the answer
is simple. I'm depressed. Maybe it's nothing, or maybe
it's a condition. Who knows? But I hate it. Sure, loads of
people get pissed off all the time. Loads of people get upset.
Loads of people feel like jumping out the window. Loads of
people wish so, so badly sometimes that they can't sleep,
for a simple thing such as a boyfriend. Loads of people get
upset about every little thing and feel like it's the end
of the world for them, and that they shouldn't bother
existing. But how long does it last for them?
For me it just goes on and on and on and on,
day after day after day of endless thoughts which provoke
these dark feelings. The worst thing, is how I just can't
share it with anyone. And how many people who cry, cry
because of problems that just won't go away - problems that
won't pass? How many people who get bad grades, really
really care about what their parents are going to think,
and feel, and how it's going to affect them, disappoint
them? How many people really want a boyfriend not just for
the pride they get, or the physical stuff they miss, but
for someone to turn to and hold and love and tell them that
everything's going to be okay and they're always going to
be there to help them? How many people think life is
absolute meaningless shit sometimes, just because of some
STUPID problems that trigger an emotional break down?
Lots of people, probably. And I'm just one of them.
But if anyone tries to ask me or get me to tell them what's
wrong? I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you. I'm going to
pretend the question was never asked. I'm going to pretend
I never wrote all this. Because you don't understand, this
is how I feel, EVERY DAY. This is how I feel every night,
when I lie down in bed, and close my eyes and pray to God
for a better day tomorrow.
You didn't see it, did you? Inside, deep deep deep down inside,
this is the real me. This is the real Kam, the girl you thought
was happy, fun, cheerful. But really I'm just a little scared,
emotional, and depressed girl. That's me. And no one
really knows me. No one really took the time. I don't think I
know anyone who really digs down deep, who looks for the real
person inside. I've known people who came close, but none that
fit. So, now you know! This is me, this is how I feel, this is
what keeps me up when I can't sleep. This is what spaces me out
in class. This is what stops me laughing.
You say you really want to get to know someone? Huh, it's
not going to be what you expected. You thought you knew me -
guess again, you didn't. But now you do. Now you think of me
differently. Does it scare you? Just pretend it doesn't.
That's what I do.
I guess I'm writing this because I've kept it inside for too
long. I am NOT asking for your pity. I am NOT asking for your
help. This is my diary, I should be able to write what I want,
whenever I want. I should be able to discuss my feelings. So I
am. I'm not asking people to read it, or to give me advice. I'm
asking you to understand.