Jem

Jem's Ramblings
2003-01-20 01:16:16 (UTC)

Maybe this will work

19 Jan 2003 - maybe this will work
Ok so here it goes. I suck at spelling, and grammer so
please forgive me before this even starts.
Lets see i'll start with a bit obout me, I'm 22, and from
NFLD Canada. thats all ya need to know hehe.
In Dec. of 2001 I woke up from what i thought was the worst
imaginable dream. In my dream i was being molested by my
dead grandfather. the entire next day it was on my mind. i
usually didnt remember my dreams and the fact that this was
bothering me so much was upsetting me. That was the
begining of my downward spiral. It couldnt have come at a
worse time , i had just started a new relationship and was
very much in love to say the least. as the day drew on i
knew that my feelings about the dream went to deep to just
be concern about a dream. you see i'd never really liked
being around my grandfather, and for no reason as far as i
could tell. I grew up living right next door to his house,
we even lived there while our house was being built. I
spent free time there, and when my parents worked i went
there for lunch and after school. but something deep down
told me I didnt like the situation one bit but couldnt
quite put my finger on it.
2 days after this dream i had my first flashback, at that
time i had NO idea what a flash back even was, you know
when you watch movies and its like the actor sees the image
and almost relives it on the spot, well thats what it was.
my first flash back was of me when i was about 7 or 8. i
was wearing pink shorts and a white tshirt with silly pink
smily face flours on it. my sister and cousin and i had
gone in to poppys for some jam jams and tang, which wasnt
uncommon for us at all. he was in the living room so we
went in there with him. he sat in a chair that was by the
end of the couch. i remember him tickling us. i watched as
he tickled my sister and cousin, but then he picked me up
and put me on his lap, he began to tickle me , then he put
his hand up my shorts while still tickling with the other,
he put them inside my panties and touched me, i still
remember that even thought i was being tickled i knew what
he was doing was wrong. i jumped down and said i had to go
to the bathroom. i went in and locked the door, i threw up
i was sick to my stomach. he knocked on the door and i told
him to leave me alone and he said he was just having some
fun with us. i told him i didnt want to be tickled anymore.
when i opened the door he was sitting at the table having a
drink of wiskey or rum or something like that who knows he
was always drinking. he told me to sit down and told me to
sit down. he took a two dollar bill out of his pocket and
gave it to me and told me to go on my way. thats all i
remembered. after this flashback i threw up and got a
serious headache. i didnt tell anyone what i remembered. no
one. over the next few months i remembered more and more. I
pieced together my child hood bit by bit. i knew i didnt
remember a whole lot about it but i thought that was
normal. on my 22nd birthday i realized this wasnt going to
go away if i didnt get it off my chest. i told shawn. he
was shocked. he knew something was bothering me but had no
idea thats what it was. i was working at the time. he and i
continued to talk about it and stuff. i was growing more
distant from my family. my sister came to stay with shawn
and i for 2 weeks, she said there was a change, my parents
thought i was using drugs or something, one night i was
walking to work and talking to mom on my cell phone when
she asked me about the drugs, and i cracked, i didnt want
to be accused of being a crack head when i wasnt. i just
blurted it out. it was like the weight of the world was off
my shoulders. the next day she came to visit. and took me
back home, she took me to our family doctor and he
perscribed effexor for me and said he'd get me on a waiting
list to see a shrink. i waited about 2 weeks till i got the
appointment. I moved back home , shawn moved here with me.
he left a few weeks later and went home to the U.S. i saw
my shrink 2 times before i decided i could no longer stay
with my parents, or even in that town, i left and went to
the U.S to be with shawn. I stayed there from Aug. till
Oct. then things fell apart. after running away from my
problems i had to come home. shawn is bipolar and was in
hospital and i was alone. i decided to come home. i decided
on a monday and was home on wed morning. a few weeks later
i got a new therapist shes really nice we'll call her M.
shes nice i see her once a week or so. i got a job here now
(im back with my parents)so i see her as often as my
schedule and hers allows. she really listens to me. I
havent yet told her any details of the abuse they are so
hard to say out loud.
I've distanced myself from my friends big time. i sometimes
go weeks without talking to them. I've since made online
friends in suicide chats and local city chats, these people
listen to me and most of them have the same feelings i do.
they talk me out of doing bad things sometimes when i need
it ,and they listen when im having a good day. i love them
all.well this entry is long so i will stop now. but dont
worry im a girl who loves to write so there will be much
more to come.
have fun everyone
J




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