My Life
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2003-01-19 07:03:38 (UTC)

As I listen to "Picture" by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow

Well right now I am listening to the new song "Picture" by
Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow I think it is soooooooooo pretty
I'm listening to it over and over on my puter while I'm
typeing my thoughts down! It kind of helps my heart flow!
Today has been an up and down day for me! I'm in one of
those moods that I don't want to deal with! One second I'm
feeling great and the next I just wanna cry! I guess that's
what life does to me, someday maybe I'll get myself better!
I think I am getting there I haven't had too many
depressing days and I haven't been feeling too bad about my
eating disorder Until today... today has been one of those
days You know the ones you have when you look in the mirror
and just wanna cry or you just don't understand or see what
everyone else does! I feel pretty blaa today I wish i could
just go and get rid of everything inside me! I wish I could
just make it all better but instead i am fighting it
because i know in my heart (even if my mind tells me
different) that i am sick! I know it's all in my head I
know that I am not this digusting person! I know that I
look better when I'm healthier! When i eat, even when it
makes me sick to even think of eating! I have to keep
telling myself that it's okay to eat it's okay to be
healthy I deserve it! I know that i deserve it! Inside this
e.d. is just trying to kill me it's trying to take over and
It kills me to have to fight it! I wish i could just give
in cuz it's too hard and no one understands how hard it is
How shitty it feels how it hurts to breathe when i feel
like my stomach is so big i'm going to explode!! To check
my weight and see that i'm 2 lbs bigger than i was
yesterday! 120 lbs. Is a huge step for me and it's so scary
that i don't know if i can do it! I want to just go get
sick so i can feel better! To wake up and know that again i
have to fight this shit all over Everyday it's a battle Me
against my head! Try fighting the world you'll have a
better chance at winning Then fighting your own mind! Your
mind is a powerful thing and it plays crazy tricks on you.
One second i can look in the mirror and just see someone
that is so healthy looking She's glowing and really pretty
Not gorgeous or anything extra special but pretty! And then
i look and see digust I don't know how ED does it! But I
know that's what it is, it's a mind game that i feel that
i'm looseing one minute and winning the next! I'm just so
screwed up right now I wish I had a way of getting through
this cuz it's scares the shit out of me! It really does No
one understands everyone thinks it's so easy But it's not
it's the hardest thing in the world! I don't know how to do
this to myself everyday! I don't know how to beat this! I
know i need help and i know who to call and what to say but
my mind even keeps me somehow from doing that! I'm too
afraid to get help! Because then what happens, after
getting help you really have to get better Is there turning
back after that, is there failing! Can i beat this if i get
help or is it going to be a waste of time because i know if
i go through with all that and then still can't get better,
I don't know i don't wanna think about this anymore!
Jack thinks i'm writing bad shit about him, I'm not!! Other
than he's a bonehead haha TOmorrow we're going up north to
freeze our tails off Jack doesn't think i want to go but
that's cuz he don't listen ALL I kept saying was i didn't
feel good today so therefore i didn't want to but i would
probably feel better about it tomorrow!! And i said i
didn't care if we went only a hundred times!!! I enjoy
going camping and getting away Last time we went i had a
great time it was really nice just being with him, it felt
good to spend all my time with the man i love!! I don't
know what he's thinking I would enjoy going I just dread
the cold!!! other than that i have no problem going up!!!!
well that's all for today i am going to have to hear my
song one more time!!!!!!!!!!! HEEHEE
Write again soon!!