KandiGurl

A little drop in a great big sea
2001-09-12 18:02:18 (UTC)

Backsliding

Okay. I had a diary here at Open Diary before, it was in
the addiction/recovery circle. I wouldn't dare say
I'm "cured", but I haven't done coke since my binge in
Texas back in April, I haven't DONE X since March (I got
three pills about a month ago, but they were fake, so it
doesn't count) and I actually REFUSED an offer of FREE
crystal meth only 2 weeks ago. The funniest thing about all
this is that of all the things I've tried to quit,
cigarettes have been by far the hardest. And they're the
only legal ones of the bunch! Anyway, as well as I'm doing
with all of that, my depression is creeping back with
frightening intensity. Just about once a week something
will trigger me and I'll cry for hours. It happens that
someone will say something, I'll feel hurt and begin to
feel that everyone is against me. I start to feel SO alone,
like there's absolutely no one there for me. (That's why
I'm One Little Drop -- I feel like One Little Drop in a
great big sea, insignificant and dispensable) So it
happened again last night, and after I started the
hyperventilating Brian knew something was wrong. He hid all
the knives and razor blades because last time he walked in
on me slicing my ankles with an exacto knife. So now I do
this thing where I did my fingernails into my palms, so
deep that there are little crescent shaped depressions for
hours. It'll have to do. So yesterday I apologized to him
for being so touchy, getting mad at him for everything. I
told him that I know it's not his fault, but how can I get
mad at a feeling? How can I take out my anger on something
that I can't even see? How can I get inside of me and rip
out the bastard that's tearing me apart? I can't, so
instead I let it all out on my fiance. And I know the whole
time that he isn't the source of my angst, and in the back
of my mind I know that I am pushing him away. He just held
me last night and tipped my chin up with his hand and
looked me right in the eye and said, "I want you to get
help". I was already in a mental hospital, I went off my
antidepressants a year ago. To go back on them would be
like regression, conceding defeat. Giving up on myself and
my ability to get better. It makes me cry. I'm not going to
write about the national crisis, it's not as if you can't
read about it in everyone else's diary and everyone has
pretty much the same thing to say about it. It sucks. All I
keep thinking about is my friend Miguel, whom I loved, in
the Army and my friend Dustin, whom I wanted desperately
and was rejected by but loved anyway, in the Navy. Not only
that but Larry, who is a pain in the ass and very immature
but who is loved by my best friend, whom I love, is going
into the Air Force in one week. IT JUST ISN'T FAIR.


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