lostsoulk

please stop staring
2003-01-18 17:44:14 (UTC)

Goodmorning and happy saturday...

Goodmorning and happy saturday. Last night wasnt too
exciting but sometimes you just need to lay low for a few
nights. This girl imed me from an eating disorder side Pale
Reflections and wants to chat :) She isnt bulimic, but she
is a compulsive eater which is related. I hope i can help
her.My diet so far
b: bowl of total with skim milk
s: big pear and some pieces of fruit
s: apple and baby carrots
omg thats way too much food! I feel bloated even tho it
really is healthy stuff. Mom and Jenny are lazing which is
a normal saturday activity, but i want to conquer and
explore!! See my friends are : one best friend named
angelice whom ive known since 6th grads and lives in
burnsville, a bunch of admirers (guys) and school friends.
So its pretty lonely most of the time. Its not like im
antisocial, just scared of opening up, and when i do i
scare them! Feels like im this freak on earth. What is a
freak anyway? I feel so alone and like a failure with all
that food i just ate..... keep telling myself im not and it
was only healthy food. My shirt feels uncomfortable, tight
because my stomach has expanded... time to get the
lifesaving sweatshirt! A big gray volleyball one that i
wear 5 out of 7 days of the week. It makes me invisable, no
one can see the way i feel about my body. i dont have to
worry about fat hanging out. But then my face feels fat and
everything else. Disstorted body image is hard, but i
refuse to let it win and make me starve or binge and purge
again. Why would someone read this crap anyway... just me
venting about how fat i feel and how messed up i am. Its
getting harder and harder to open up even in a diary where
no one i know will read what is written. Why can't i be
honest to myself? MUST EXERCISE, MUST CUT CALORIES, no!!!,
MUST EAT HEALTHY AND ACCEPT MY FOR WHO I AM eeks,

twisting choices
in my head
deciding without me
like im dead
stop taking me for granted
im worth so much more
im ready for the next challenge
whatever is behind the door
tho scared and nervous
it wont stop my goal
finially ill have the tools
to repair this hole
something is gone
and it needs to return
i need to put out this fire
before my soul begins to burn

positive thought: We are not alone!
love always Kimmy


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