Mims

The life of Mims
2003-01-18 12:56:55 (UTC)

Last night

Was really interesting actually.
You know that whole thing I was rambling incoherently on
about, how I sometimes really wonder why I get into a
certain mindframe and so forth?
Well last night was a case in point.
I spent a good few hours sitting in my room with massive
attack turned up full volume, wondering why I was feeling
so anti social again, berating myself about financial
issues, getting wound up about my apparent unatractiveness
in many senses.
Usually when I am in that kind of mood I get really
destructive, and start ripping into things or throwing
things.
Ha. I bet no one actually thinks I can get mad like that at
all.
Well last nights mood was no particular exception. I did go
a little bit schitz as I have the tedency to do.
Then something really weird happened.
I came back from the chocolate meltdown (instead of feeling
like shit, I felt like obese shit after that. I was licking
a paper plate while walking up the M4. Why do I even wonder
about my attractiveness when I do things like that?) and I
stormed into my bedroom. I should note at this point that
one of the reasons I felt so shitty is because I feel like
I am drifting from my close friends at the moment,
especially my room mate.
And she came in, and sat on my bed.
And she burst into tears.She had no idea that I had
actually been sitting in our room for the past 3 or so
hours worrying about the sma ethings that she was bawling
about. That after making close friends we are forced to
loose them again as we grow up, move on to new things, or
have to recluse due to nasty IB work.
We don't spend as much time together as we used to, or know
so in depth about each other.
But you know what.
That's OK.
I now know that somebody else feels the same way as me,
that we are all stuck in a rut that we percive only
oursleves to be in.
Our friendships are modified.
But because they have to be.
Moving on to a new kind of level is not something that
should necessarily be bad, it's scary allright, but not
always bad. I have become more dependent on others in this
place than I ever have been before. My mental health rests
on the mental wellbeing of others. That's nothing new, but
it has grown to such an extent here. We are all learning to
gain some of our independence back. Perhaps that is a good
thing.
Perhaps not.
At any rate, I ended up turning one of my most negative
days here into one of the best, as we had a big house party
with plenty of visitors from other houses.....that's a new
experince for this year.
One of my friends was hitting on me. I warned him not to do
it. But still, he insisted. I think I offended him, but I
really am getting pissed off about it these days. We have a
pleasant friendship. I don't want to ruin it through my
lack of skill handling these matters.
But in a way, I am as bad as him because I have a very
similar relationship with somebody else.
Yes, that's right folks, you can tell whats coming up now.
A very uninteresting update on Miriams love life.
Well, I am still getting mixed messages from the Eastern
European. Sometimes he goes out of his way to talk to me,
spend time with me. And the looks he gives me
sometimes.....but maybe I read too much into situations
because I want to.
I just wish he would give me a clear definite answer.
Everytime I have broached the situation, he has replied
along the lines of 'maybe, well, someday.....' Grgh.
I am a big girl (amybe not in stature, but in maturity)
and after a good cry, a box of chocolates and a film, I
can cope with rejection.
It would be better than just clinging onto the faint hope
of 'maybe, well, someday.......' which is to be quite
honest cruel, as I enjoy his company more than anyone I
have been interested in here before, and am very attracted
to him.
He can tell. He just doesn't do anything about it. Usually
after this long of trying, I would give up. I know it would
be healthy to do so. But there is something about him that
makes me pursue it.
Maybe I am just interested in what I can't have.
But I don't think so.
Not this time.

Love M




Ad: