KerouacFemme

Bitch In Seattle
2003-01-18 07:09:03 (UTC)

jagged ruddy laceration my..

jagged ruddy laceration
my heart's sobbing overflow wets the gentle pillow

fuck that
I cannot become this being.
I thought about ryan (my psuedo-ex-boyfriend)
who I talked to for the first time in weeks today.
I just realized how much of an amazing person he is to
me. He;s so fucking funny. and witty... but only with me,
it seems. he's a complete fucking asshole too, but
mostly with other people.
but his asshole tendencies included, i just fucking love
him. and I suddenly have a feeling that this pain mixed
with admiration and love wont go away for many years...
itll be a while I feel.
so many emotions are occuring to me that I had never
even considered before.
what its like to watch someone grow up. see what
changes in them.
what doesnt change

what its like to look at a person and see them not as
they are, but as t hey are, and they were, and as they
will be. a person on the whole; composed of every
element they have ever been... child, teenager, young
man/woman... all in one being before you. I dont know

then there are a lot of feelings that truly lack definition....

Im getting a sense of eternity.. or time... that the next
upcoming years, filled with turmoil and new growth and
experience, are coming faster than Im prepared for. I
dont know what I can handle. I dont know what to think,
what to do, how to live.. Im frightened by all this life
around me...

there's another thought lately...
the only thing in this entire world that I live for is
simultaneously the one thing Im absolutely terrified of..
and in awe of... Love... I am enthralled with and in terror
of love....

I dont know
I had a date with this guy today, who was so great that I
lost all concept of trying to be anything; me or not.... and
he is such a cool guy, but inside I feel like I dont want to
like him.. like I want to make a conscious effort to stay
away from him .. to not involve my heart... I dont know

Im going to go smoke a cigarette and try to stop the
thoughts..
did I mention I havent gotten any dreamless sleep in
the past 4 nights? no sleep... all dreams... and waking
up constantly.... and my obsessive-compulsive disorder
with cunting letters in words has re-started, full-blown..
all seem to be directly stress-related...
i think I might be depressed... Ive always shown signs
of manic-depression.... and Im having definite signs of
anxiety.....

I dont ant to go to sleep because Ill wake up and just be
tweaking and freaked out for hours afterward... no
sleep... all violent and scary dreams.. not nightmares
neccessarily, just perturbing dreams.

smoke a cigarette.. drugs... call Jme and Candace?
I hope so...
-KerouacFemme




Ad: