i am in love ... ?
... how did this happen? ... it is frightening ... to feel
these feelings after so many years ... it's been almost
eight years since i have felt this feeling of wonder ...
eight years since i have let the kinds of thoughts run
through my mind that have been there recently ...
... certainly i have felt my biological clock ticking ...
but i had given up hope that i would ever get to listen to
it ... i had shot down any thoughts of marriage, family,
children and my dreams ... shut down my heart and buried it
deeply so that it would not and could not be touched ...
... i became a walking shell and .. like a cavern ... if
love was yelled loud enough into the space it would echo
back out .. but of course it would echo back hollow ....
... i don't know how you did it but you somehow unearthed my
heart while i wasn't looking and you wrapped it in a loose,
gentle grip ... and unlike those who've come and gone before
you, there is a lack of fear in my soul when faced with your
smile ... and my heart does not go hollow at the touch of
your love but instead tentatively reaches out to you in
... i had never expected this ... and what frightens me is
not your love .. but rather the worry that it will be taken
from me ... that life will play yet another cruel joke and i
will have to return to the lonely future i had always
expected to be my life ... and after having experienced the
sensations of love and amazing trust that i have with you,
returning to that rather lonesome fate would be crushing ...
... you always show such great pleasure in hearing me say
those three little words ... "i love you" .. and yet when i
hear them, they are just words like any others ... it is the
look in your eyes and your face ... the light that shines
from you when you smile at me ... the sound of your voice,
it's timber and tone .... those are the things that tell me
of your love ...
.... it's a surprise ... the first big
pleasant surprise to ever happen in my life
... and i fear its loss ... my incredulous disbelief that my
life could turn from the nightmare of its recent existence
into the fantasy of my deepest buried dream makes me
frightened to believe in its reality .... i'm scared that as
soon as i do, as soon as my fear dissipates, that my
dream-come-to-life will be taken away ... and so i fear
reaching out to take it because of this ...
... i'm not sure that i can say it any clearer or put it any
more bluntly ... do you understand what i am saying? ... do
you understand my what my fear is? ... where it is coming
... i want to race headlong into your love ... into my dream
and our fantasy of home, marriage, love and family ... and
yet at the same time i am afraid that if i do ... that once
i do ... that it will be ripped away ...
... being in your presence feeds my soul hope and your
reassurances are bigger than you could ever imagine ... your
understanding of my dream and acceptance of it - and of me -
are more than i can even comprehend ... your patience both
amazing and cherished ... your love breathtaking and more
than i'd thought i would ever experience in my lifetime ...
... i miss you terribly ...
... i love you more than i ever imagined was possible ...