eidolon

shifting mists
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2001-09-12 05:58:54 (UTC)

Fears from September 10, 2001

... my worries ... my fears ... i try to express them .. i
really do .... my writings are wracked with them and yet
they don't seem to be verbalized plainly enough to be seen
... and i'm trying ... i know you're not psychic ... i know
you can't read my mind ... that you only see that i'm
worried and concerned ... scared .... and that i need to
come right out and say it ... to get the fears out in the
open and deal with them instead of expressing them through
paragraphs of emotion ...

".. we both know where this is eventually going ... you said
it in the shower that morning ...

... i worry that you will change your mind ...

...more than that ... i worry that you won't ... that i will
truly become your "ball and chain" and you will be unhappy
... that what i want and you giving me what i want will in
the end make you unhappy or resentful ...

.. won't you resent me not bringing in income? ... won't you
resent that over time? ... won't you resent how i spend my
time cuz it's not bringing in money? ... because i'm not
being productive like you are? ... resent how i spend the
grocery money or what not because it's yours? ...

... this is what i'm scared of ... what i fear ... that you
will end up resenting me and eventually hating me because of
those things ...
.. i don't want to be employed ... i am not lazy ... but i
want my life to center around you and making you happy and
me and us ... not around work and money ... and i know if i
work that THAT is where my mind will be ...

... that's the thing ... i've NEVER felt the need to work ..
i work to make money ... that's it ... i HATE being employed
... i HATE feeling the pressure to make money ... i love
volunteering my time to people who need it .... and i love
working hard ... but i hate being employed ... and i'm
scared that you will come to resent that ... that i don't
want to be employed ... that i'm dependent upon ~you~ to be
...

... i'm just worried that if i choose not to be employed
that ... you'll end up resenting it..."


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