Sometimes.. I need to hide from everyone
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2003-01-18 05:24:23 (UTC)


You can say you care. You don't. I'm not worth it. Leave me
alone. You don't have to put up with my shit but you do
anyway. So, maybe you should just give up. Make it easier
for me to give up. I'm sick of this. There's no use in
anything. Yea, I know. I'll probably end up married to
someone abusive. But at least someone who abuses me would
tell me how they feel. People are so confusing. It's like..
If I get hit, I did something wrong. Easy as that. I'd
rather live like that.

I'd rather live like.. anyone else. Someone so much better
than me actually. But I can settle for less. I really can.

I don't want help. I don't. I want to tell my friends how I
feel but I won't because they'll call me dumb or something.
I know Stephanie would. She can't say that whenever I say
people don't care and shit like that she's like, "You're so
dumb" It's like.. shut up. You're right. I'm fucking
stupid. But by the way you're calling me dumb, I feel like
I'm right and you really don't care about me either.

Whatever though. Whatever. I don't care.

I feel like shit. I am SO sure I'm bipolar. I dunno. I go
from being soo pissed off to crying insanely to laughing my
ass off. And there were no real reasons for any of it.
Karen and Stephanie were leaving. I had no reason to get in
such a mood. God. I HATE THAT. I hate it. I go from being
mad at nothing big, to thinking about it and feeling stupid
and crying to just.. laughing.. about being stupid enough
to cry?

Whatever. I just know that my moods are so fucking fucked
up. It's probably my fault. I did something wrong.

I feel like shit. Ate way too much. I'm a fat ugly pig. No
food for me until Sunday. I'm.. really sad.

I feel really sick. My head hurts. I'm so lonely. I'm
either going to make more friends or start getting rid of
the ones I have. Because, I either want to not be lonely or
be dead. So, if I get rid of people, it'd be less sad to

I just don't want to be here. I want to be alive.. Just not
here. I want to move back to Philly. I told my Grandpa I
want to move to Vegas. He got happy. All his friends live
their. He'd move there. I know he would. We're going this
summer and he's going to talk to this guy, John, about
moving down there. It'd be pretty cool. And I wouldn't have
to kill myself.

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