fartelhose

Yuckiness

9/11/01 11:35
My mom's b-day. And the WTC was hit, major terrorist
attacks, its bad. Everyone's talking about the threats from
other countries that could happen and nuclear war. My
parents in Cali will not be coming home by plane. I watched
the news since 10 am, we can't get any other channels but
cnn and discovery so we haven't much choice anyway. I'm not
really that scared and I do feel bad that so many people
died, but I can't exactly cry. I don't really have major
patriotic feelings cause I've had no major part in this
government and I'm still young, so I don't feel as bad as I
think I should. Other people are going through the "putting
things in perspective" thing, which probly annoys me cause
I'm not that much affected. I'm only 18, the world still
revolves around me in my head, and I still feel too small
to do anything about it. But I feel remorse for not feeling
bad so I have to pretend I feel awful and I have to be
extra sensitive cuase I know there really are people out
there that are alone and sad. I managed to piss off chris
thoroughly. I told him it wasn't manly to cry like he did
today at the national anthem. I'm too much of a stoic, but
I like to reserve my feelings. It's probly cause I try to
protect myself from embarassment by not showing my real
feelings. Now I feel horrible cause I should have been
easier with Chris cause I know how he is about america. He
got mad and signed off, so I blocked him so I wouldn't have
to talk to him for a while. At least he'll think I'm
offline for a few days then I'll apologize cause I've once
again made and ass of myself. I do that so much. Meanwhile,
I'm finally going out with Ryan again like I've wanted to,
but I feel bad cuase its like an insult to joe that I sort
of wanted ryan for all that time. But now I'm ruined for
him cuase I want lots of attention and I can't have it. I
feel like if I call him I'll be annoying and he'll get
pissed at me. Also I would kill for him to tell me that he
loves me but I know that that's a long ways off but it
would make me feel so much better, so for now I've just
gotta be happy he wants to even go out with me. I understand that
that's not something you can just say and I really don't mind waiting
for it to happedn, I just doubt it will happen. But I still
feel like I'm not gonna end up with all the love that I
want and then I'll be like this every night, sad and
wishing I had a loved one to cheer me up, but he's not the
type. Which makes me wonder why we or I think we're so
damned good for each other. Either way I don't wanna give
him up and I try to convince myself that its a good thing
the relationship will be so loose and distant cause I'll
get more work done, but it will cause me more anguish.

Becky, is killing me. She doesn't seem to ever have
anywhere to go or anything to do so I'm stuck with her in
the room all of the time, and all I want is some time
alone. She's offended if I don't do all my homework wiht
her. Then she gets on my cordless phone (I don't know why
I'm so possesive all of a sudden) and talks to Rob forever,
meanwhile I'm jealous cause ryan wouldn't wannna talk to me
for long times like that. She doesn't seem to get yet that
I'm not really that much of a people person, I jsut pretend
to be. She talks to me while I'm reading, (a huge pet
peeve) and wonders why I get pissy. I just want to be able
to go somewhere or do something without her. She got mad
that I tried doing my CS homework without her. I don't
think it will kill me to get a little ahead even if I do
have to do it in a group. I feel bad though cause she gets
upset that I dont' wanna do everything with her. But I
really don't need her to help me and I dont' want someone
around that much. ARGH and she is so touchy, she's always
gotta be touching me and my stuff and she comes over to
read my IM conversations. I hate that. If I wanted to talk
about something I would say something. I was trying to take
some pics of me for ryan and I didn't want her to see em
and she's like ooh lemme see the pics you took for him.
She's very nosey and reminds me of a person much younger
than herself. But I don't feel like changing again cuase I
didn't like Ali either.

So basically I've pissed off Chris and possibly ruined a
really good friendship, I'm going to continually piss off
my roommate and I don't think I'm gonna get the love or
devotion or whatever from my bf and I can't talk to him
about it cause it would scare him off.
The only thing that can fix this is 9 hours off sleep, a
week of repairs and apologies, 2 semesters of extreme
patience, sacrifice of my emotion need things, and a HUGE
dose of denial.
oh what a lovely day I've had and the bad parts have
nothing to do with all those tens of thousands of people
dying.
I am so self centered, maybe someday I'll grow out of it

An