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2003-01-17 02:49:24 (UTC)


To start with, this isnt something anyone will probably be
reading, and if they do. It is because i'm choosing to
share. No juicy details, life shouldnt be like that. Life
is for learning, for living. I have so much in my life, I
dont have anywhere to begin, and no realistic way to end
it. i hurt like everyone else for the most part, i can cry,
shout, scream, dance, laugh, and die. i see nothing that
defines me as better or worse than anyone else. at least,
thats what i want things to be like. i am so set apart from
people. like im in a completely different world, just from
how i see things, or how i see people take things. im still
learning though. the beginning to an end, or a footstep in
the wrong direction. either way, im screaming for
understanding in my head, and while i wait to see if anyone
heres... i sink deeper into my mind. closing up before
someone even really comes. i know that sounds like im
contradicting myself, but then again... i understand it..
no one else does. thats my problem, one of many. i feel so
alone because people dont see the way i do. people dont get
it when i tell them something, or see the significance of
it, to me. so i can sit here and hurt, tearing myself
apart. while people continue to live, unaffected and
unnoticed. no one can kill me, like i can kill myself. no
words anyone can possibly think of will ever tear me down,
than the ones i argue with myself about. do i want an
escape... which would leave me dull. i would stop seeing
the things i do, i wouldnt know myself so well. but id be
free of this incesant slicing and knawing, of my past,
present, and future. the mistakes ive made, i wont hold
against myself. but what, is the point of life then. should
i reject all im working for, as a gift to myself, free of
suffering in silence. who will know?

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