Nowhere man please listen. . . .
2003-01-16 22:06:35 (UTC)

January 16, 2003

Today was pretty uneventful.

I had a double of my Natural resources class, which
always cheers me up. It depresses me that I won't be
taking that class again until next year in a couple of
weeks. But today I was told some slightly disturbing news.

Mr. A was asking me if I knew what was up with Matt
Chaput. (Mr. A knows I like him- n he's so cool about it,
he thinks we'd be "cute" together) Of course I know
nothing of Matt's happenings. I then became very curious,
since he wasn't in school. Now Matt is never not in
school. The last time he missed school, it was because he
was in a car accident.

But he got dismissed from school at like 9AM. Which is
very strange, and Mr. A was very curious as to what was
goin on. I guess everyone, like teachers n shit, were
being very hush-hush about his early dissmisal. And Mr. A
told me he asked Matt's friends wat was goin on, and they
said they didn't know, that matt had said "he couldn't

Very strange indeed.

So I was very puzzled and me n Mr. A promised each
other to keep each other updated if one of us was to find
out wat happened. Julia then gave me a very interesting
bit of information.

Julia and Mr. A were talking about sometime he got
suspeneded from school. Mr. A being the nice guy that he
is phrased it as "sometimes he can just get carried away,
and doesn't realize that he's crossed the line." Julia
told me that he had been suspended twice for sexual

I have to admit I was slightly surprised when she told
me, I was maybe even a little disapointed. But I guess I
could expect no less from him. I mean I know he's a total
horn dog, but I think I'm one of the only people here who
is trying to look past that. I'm trying to look past a
lot of things actually. But I just think he need someone
he can really trust, and I know it's not me, but I'm
trying to work on it being me. I really feel like I could
help him loosen up a little. It's gone beyond the fact
that "i want his nuts", I just really think he needs
someone to care about him. And I think I might care about

But I dunno, I don't want to say that I do care about
him, cuz I don't really know him THAT much. Were not like
really tight or anything. We could be close, but he just
pushes everyone away. And that bothers me, and I just
want to help him so badly.

I just wish he would let me.

I know that one day he'll snap out of it, and then it
will progress to the level where he'll find someone that
can care about him, and he will care about them back.
YES! I am saying it! One day Matt Chaput WILL fall in
love! I know he will, i can just feel it. And it will be
with someone that can help him see how UN-complicated life
is, and help him enjoy the simpler things.

I just hope he'll be ok during the time that is in
between now and then, when he finds that oh-so-special

I actually had an interesting dream last night, and
Matt was in it. I had a dream the me and Matt were
showering together. Ok now before you roll yer eyes and
say "oh figures", I have to tell you that we weren't doing
anything. We weren't like having hot, passionate sex (though
that does sound appealing! lol) We were just showering.
There was *some* touching, but it was like dirty or sexual
or anything. But I remember really liking it, but then
then water started to get cold, but we didn't really mind
it it. It wasn't freezing water, it was just like cool
and really refreshing, and we were just playing with some
soap bubbles. I don't recall drawing a lot of attention
towards the whole nakedness part of it, i don't even think
i looked at his dick.

So after the shower he disappeared somewhere, and I
went to school. I MUST have been in my natural resources
class because i was out in the woods, but i was sepparated
from everybody, and just walking all by myself. I came to
a clearing and there was Julia, Ryan Hopkins, Liz Blue,
Josh Stofle, and a few other people that I can't name
because i wasnt paying attention to who else was really
there. They were just sort of standing around not doing
anything, just hanging around i guess.

But Josh was sitting on the ground and he was reading
the bible. And all of a sudden Julia was trying to turn
it into a party. So she turned up her headphones very
loud, which turned into ridicolously loud music, like out
of nowhere. And it was so loud and i'm sure no one could
hear each other if they tried to carry on a conversation.
And people started dancing and partying, and I was just
standing there, and I didn't have to think twice, I didn't
like wat was goin on and wanted to get the HELL outta
there! Because it seemed like the number of people there
were doubling everytime i blinked. It was so insane, and
the people started closing in on my and I was squished
between all these people who were just partying.

I was trying to yell at them to let me get through, so
i could get the hell outta there. But it was just too
loud, and too crazy. I remember seeing matt and it looked
like he was looking around for something, and I remember i
was calling his name and calling his name- but he couldn't
hear me. So I started to slowly make my way through the
massive crowd of people. I fiannly got to him and grabbed
hold of his arm. He looked at me and nodded and he led me
outta there. The pickup truck was waiting, just outside
of the clearing and a bunch of people were in the back.
Matt helped me onto the back first and then came on too.
The pickup truck drove away and I remeber it was a very
long and quiet trip. There was so many people on the
truck with us, and they were all just so silent.

The truck finally stopped and we were at this giant,
totally empty feild. Everone jumped out of the truck and
were just hanging around. I think we were waiting fer
something. So I just sat on the edge of the bed of the
truck and Matt stood next to me and we were talking- about
politics or SOMETHIN i cant recall wat. But he said
somethingreally sweet to me, I think he commented on my
eyes or something. And I was just so surprised he said
something really nice to me, it was very not like him. So
I dunno, i got really mad that he was so out of character,
I think i thought he was lying or something so i smacked
him- really hard across the face. But then I felt so
terribly bad for doing it right after. He was just
staring at me and I could feel myself starting to cry so i
hoped off the truck and ran away, i was just running and
running. And then it gets blurry, i dunno, i might've
woke up or something, maybe i just ferget, but thats it.
It was so strange.