bluemoon

The crazy world of me
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2003-01-16 12:52:36 (UTC)

guys I deleted all my things but I got them sent back to me so here they are

2002-12-31 09:56:53
Yeah so I am very new at this. I always thought to myself
keeping a diary sucks because someone always finds it and
reads it but at least on here it won't be anyone I am
worried about.
So the subject of this is perfect. This is something
very new for
me but it is also something I need very much. My problems
might not
seem so bad to other and they probably aren't but I guess
it all
depends on how one thinks and feels. I always feel like
nobody will
ever understand me and all I really want to do is find
someone who
can. Someone who can relate to how I feel. People say
they can but
they can't. They can not know how I feel at that exact
moment when
that one thing happened that tore me up so much that I had
pain over
it but anyway.
Its weird that its easier for me to type my feelings in
the computer and it makes me feel a little better. I got
turned to this by my sister. I never knew how crappy she
was feeling until I read hers and now I kind of wish I
hadn't. It hurts so bad to hear things that she has done
to herself. I thought that I was depressed. I just wish I
could understand what she is going through and help her but
I know I can't I love her so much and I would never want to
see something bad happen to her.
She has done stuff that has hurt me more than anyone has
ever hurt me before but I will always love her no matter
what I say. She always feels like nobody care but if she
only knew how much I worried about her. It hurts so much
to see her go through all of that pain. I just hope that
one day she will be happy.
I am known to everyone as in my family and friends as the
type that says what is on there mind and is all goofy and
happy. I guess I can say that is the way i am preceived.
Yeah for the most part I will tell people what I think
about them but then I also stop and think about peoples
feelings too.
People always think I say all my feelings but really I
don't. There are just somethings that are just to personal
and I feel that if I say I will just be thought of as
something really weird or something.
I don't think I can live down the goofy thing because I
am sure I am 100% out there. But you know what everyone is
weird because if there wasn't a little weirdness in
everyone then we would all pretty much be alike. Thats
what makes us diffrent for some part I guess.
But then you come to the happy part. Yeah for the most
part I am happy. I'm not going to sit here and say I hate
my life or anything like that but it does have its shitty
days where I just feel like taking it over the edge. But I
am the kind of person that live my everyday to make people
happy. I love to see people happy and for me to know that
I did that makes me feel great for a moment but sometimes I
just don't feel like doing the things to make other people
happy and I want to worry about myself for a change and
worry about what makes me happy. But then when I do that I
end up feeling like I have let someone down and that drives
me nuts.
Since both my brothers messed up and dropped out of
school and since my sister didn't finish even a year of
college my partents set goals for me that would make them
happy but not necessarily me. And me being the one that
loves to please my parents I push myself so hard to impress
them. When I fail even though it was doing my best it
makes me feel so shitty. They say they are proud if I get
a C but I
know they expect way more out of me which sucks. I mean I
like
getting good grades because it makes me feel good about
myself but I
hate worring about what they will think of it all. I just
wish
sometimes that my other siblings would not have left it all
up to
me. I hate having all that pressure.
It makes me feel good to hear my parents brag about how
good I'm doing or how I'm going to be the good one or
whatever but it also makes me feel like crap when I do
something wrong because it is as if it was ten times worse
that I did it just because they wouldn't expect that kind
of thing out of me. I wish sometime they could just deal
with my best so I wouldn't have to try so hard.
I say I know what I want to do in life but really I am
not sure. I wish I just had a little longer to think about
it but you know since college is only a year away or so I
guess I better just stick with what I say.
I say I want to be a phtographer but I am not sure.
Pictures make me happy yes but I don't know. There are so
many
things you can do in photgraphy but I am not positive what
and I
think they expect me to know but I guess will just see hout
things
go. I have so much running through my head all the time
that I can't
stop tothink about things in the future. One thing I
probably
should do is think about the future a little more instead
of thinking about just right now. I'm not the kind of
person who likes surprises. I like to know how the end is
going to happen instead of sitting and dragging things out.
For instance there is this guy Ricky that I just don't
know what to call him. We say we are just friends but that
can't be it. I don't do things with my friends that I do
with him. So I guess we are just friends with benefits
o'well I
think I might me over it now. Let me think umm... yeah
That whole
thing drives me crazy but I am a little tired now so I am
going to
go.


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