My Reality
Ad 2:
2003-01-16 02:10:20 (UTC)

It's not what you know, it's what you appear to know...

Blah, ok so i dont know why i used that title, i just heard
it and liked the sound of it, anywho...
so first of slim fast sucks ass taste horrible and i
really think i might vomit if i have to chug down one more
ounce of it...oh oh, but roomie did mention that i look
like ive lost weight so year, someone noticed...oh ohand
speaking of which, how can she have drama three days into
the semester..shes already starting to cry
moving on, i have a hot psych teacher, has great eyes and a
nice body smiles a lot and a wonderful personality he is
funny as hell but doesnt seem to have a bloated ego bc he
umm, my birthday, i had to do it...ok so friday i go home
or maybe thursday depending on how much snow gets dumped on
us...anywho i go shopping then and get presents if i find
someothing i want, saturday i go out for my birthday meal,
mexican of course, and then cake, sunday which
is my actual birthday i will wake up depressed and
sincerely depressed bc i will be reminded that i dont have
josh to share it with which is going to blow ass but i will
live,to make myself feel better i plan on emailing him and
telling him how much i miss him, probably will make him
feel shitty but i see me benefitting from it...andy might
take me out to dinner, my friends at school want to go out
and do something and i want to go to charlotte and finally
get my industrial redone, im not gonna have josh there to
hold my hand which was the plan but maybe i can do it by
myself, im gonna have to figure out how to do that anyways
i was so excited he was going to be there near me when i
moved and now im gonna be lost and scared and alone...i
really wanted him there, but you know what i gotta do it on
my own...i have to stop letting boys pull me back and forth
and worry about my future bc of how they choose to lead
theirs shouldnt affect my wants and dreams...even though it
does...oh well i will never let go of that one i will
always do anything for love, im a sucker
oh yeah, and have i mentioned yet, im not entirely sure i
wanna date, how sad am i ..i keephoping that he will
realize how much he loves me and misses me and cant stand
being wtihout me and calls and begs me to be with him, its
just not josh he would never do that, he would never show
that much emotion...i wish he would cause he could be the
most amzing umm, significant other, i guess is a term for
it, if he just would say what was on his mind..i know there
are sometimes when i can hear the thoughts rumbling around
in his brain over the phone...he just holds not
claiming to know everything about him, but i do know tat
when it comes to our relationship whatever we were, he held
back so much, i saw him when he was completely vulnerable
and it was beautiful, there were a few times when he let
his guard down like a half inch and peeked his head out and
let some real emotion was perfect he is a
complete and total sweetheart...the things he would say to
me no matter who simple would perfectly worded perfectly
timed and just perfect in general...god i konw that boy
could make me so happy and i think i could do the same for
him if he just opened up and gave it a chance, but
somewhere along the way something has happened to him, he
has become so warped and jaded and petrified of emotion,
the idea of love sends him screaming in the opposite
direction, verbally expressing his feelings is likea death
sentence i think, and it blows bc i know that deep down
inside of him there is a real hopeless romantic, there is
someone who could make me so happy there is someone in
there who could love me, i think....i mean that might sound
a lil cocky and arrogant and full of myself but i really
think if he gave it half a chance we could have someothing
special, he could see the girlfriend in me that i want to
be, and he coul allow himself to fall for me...god i want
him to fall for me..why is it so hard, have i done
something wrong, am i not the kind of girl that guys want
to love, have i fallen into the dreaded buddy that used to
be...why did he have to leave me, why wont he come back, is
this all i get, a very bitter ending that left him
satisfied with his chioce once again and me putting up with
what i am dealt...i thought maybe he would come back like
before i thought that maybe i wouldve heard from him by
now, i thought that maybe he would miss me...