paramour

A Paramour's Secret
2003-01-15 23:46:51 (UTC)

fully aware and unhappy...

Been a while, huh? Anyway, not much going on on the
outside, except some new cuts, that are mere scratches. I
am sick, physically and mentally. I need to eat. I mean
healthy eating. No more one meals a day and shit. I am so
tired of being unhappy. I feel like I am so deep that I am
stuck.I have been trying and trying, I just can't. I want
to stay at home for the rest of my life and write. I think
I would be happy then.
I have been wondering lately if my friends honestly want to
ptu up with me. i don't want to go off and be liek they
don't care, because I know they all do. I am just trying so
hard to make everyone else happy, when i can't even make
myself happy. I mean I want to be happy, I want to be thin
and have fun, to not feel sick every time I touch my skin.
I want to cut off everyone I know and never put them
through this. I can't though, they would know I would be
shutting them out and that makes them unhappy, and like i
said, I'll do anything to make my friends happy. Everything
is so messed up. If you have ever read my shattered glass
entry then you'll know how I feel right now.
My mom called. A few nights ago. It's weird talking to her
now. It's like, I don't have a mom now. Like when I talk to
her i am talking to a memory, or when i see her I am
dreaming. I never see her anymore. Now I am getting a new
mom too. Julie. She seems fully ready to be my mom too.
Like she feels I have been neglected. I wish I could scream
I don't want her. I want Sam or Darlene, (both my mom's). I
don't want her.
Some of my friends are going away again. Like Vaughn he's
steeling back into the shadows. He's doing it on purpose.
His excuse is that he'll hurt us if he doesn't. I don't
think he gets that it hurts more when he doesn't. Then my
girlfriend (Heather), I don't know what is going through
her head anymore. I know she doesn't want to get better for
her. She says she wants to for us. I know how hard it is
for her. It tortures me though, ya know to know she doesn't
want to stop. I mean I KNOW how hard it is, lately I am
wanting to commit suicide agian. a lot. No one really knows
that saturday night when I cut my arm to peices that I
really wanted t go for my wrist or for anything that would
kill me. I was fully aware that I was inviting death to
take my life. I don't want that. A part of me..the biggest
part... is begging for it. This small part of me tells me
not too. Honestly though, the biggest part of why i am not
dead yet is because of my friends. I can't help the way I
think anymore.
Sarah




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