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2001-09-11 10:35:51 (UTC)

dry heaving

sometimes people tell you things the ought not
for example...
jacob dear dear misguided fucked up jacob...
felt it the right time to tell me that whilst i was busy
loathing him he was having fun self-gratification style
with me in mind
you don't tell a girl that
not unless you are dating her at the time and she asks...
then you lie about it
or most do
the thought is not distressing...i really don't mind
i wasn't there
what bothers me about it is that people can think so much
and so little of someone at the same time
that i can be hated and distrusted and thought to be a whore
yet i can infultrate the mind in such a way that his little
moral virgin brain would have no issues with shamelessly
fucking me
i don't understand that
i did have a good guy friend in highschool who used to use
me and my friends for such things....but felt it was wrong
if we had boyfriends
it took me a while but i get his logic
i really don't care that much because i know his visions
couldn't have been that bad...he's too moral
i think what bothers me about jacob is that it reminds me
that i can be and sometimes am a sexual object
sometimes this can be disired.....but usually when i think
it has something to do with me not just my body (thank you
i don't like the fact that people can invision me as they
they can think...damn that kelly..she's hot but her
personality dude....
i think what i'm trying to say is that if someone really
desires me i would like it to be for all of me
i'm not afraid or embarassed to say that it might have
something to do with me physically but it shouldn't all be
that way
you can't edit girls for your liking
but as all fantasies go you can think whatever you want
see the trick in it being not to tell the person
because it spoils the fantasy
too much reality isn't good for that
unless you get off on it
diffrent train of thought all together
so yeah....the thinking of internet girls doesn't bother me
at all
i feel no urge to know what they are doing or what they
look like
hell free reign on all thoughts
i had a dream today in which 2 of my good girlfriends were
getting it on and cara and i were watching in shock...which
turned out to be ok in the end.....my dream sort of went to
commercial on that part then returned so i could get the
rest of the dream
i really haven't had any thoughts about her in a long time
i'm glad my subconscious edited them out for me
man highschool was wacky
and i will say that i did have some curiousity as to things
but those were expressed openly and pursued (dude, i had a
so i still carry a bit of spite around for cara saying that
anything that ever happened between us was because of my
curiousity....because that really was just a ploy to cover
her own
she's my best friend....like i can't see through her
we allow eachother certain lies and certain
rationalizations though
we just understand them to be diffrent
i miss having direct contact with her
she really is one in about half a dozen girls i get along
it should be noted i am out of water again
i'm glad jacob stopped smoking
it was always very strange because he would get that need
to call me and go "hey kelly, i'm high"
i never know what the hell to say to things like that
jordan used to call me when he got drunk and proffess his
love for me
which made his friends laugh....cause i know he would spend
a good thirty min. talking about me to them till he
acctually broke down and called
jeremy calls me sometimes when he's been drinking
i don't quite think he is drunk though
nor do i think it is to profess his love
i think he just wishes i was around
i understand that
more than he knows
i envy other couples that don't get along but at least get
to be around eachother
it sucks hardcore to be so intune yet cursed with distance
soon enough though
i did ask my dad to not claim me on his tax return
he enjoys the idea of gettin gthings for free from the
government....but i don't think he understands that i
intend to become independant of him
such lofty goals i have
i will say i started this journal diary thingie with very
little in mind
and i felt guilt for occupying space in the cyberworld with
no direction
but i think i just needed to be let loose with a few intro-
i think i've got it going now
i don't really like the idea of calling it a diary
i don't know if i'll tell anyone to come here and read it
but i thnk i feel at home now
and so i shall sleep
as is my fashion....right about when the sun comes up and
people are waking up
after reading after being online
after running out of water

goodnight cyber-thingie

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