renrig210

Musing of a Hip Mama
2003-01-15 17:24:41 (UTC)

Disappointments

Every time disappointment creeps in, I feel selfish,
because hey, my baby's home safe and sound. THAT"S ALL
THAT SHOULD MATTER.

And with him, that's true. I'm not disappointed with the
baby I got, I know there's a reason that I got him. I
don't believe I've done anything to deserve the beautiful
family that I have, but that's another story, and another
email I'm sure. (y'all catching on that I'm longwinded
yet? :)

I'm disappointed in how everything went from the moment I
went into labor 7 weeks early, to the point when I finally
brought Cayden home.

I loved being pregnant. I felt better pregnant than I had
in YEARS. I had been told that I couldn't conceive, so
when I did, I rode high on the strong sense of
accomplishment and burgeoning hopes for, well, 33 weeks. I
LOVED every single second of it. I'll admit I was
blessed. No morning sickness, aches, or complications. I
didn't even have to take super-frequent bathroom breaks. I
gained too much weight and got stretch marks, but to tell
you the truth, I loved my stretch marks. (now that
Cayden's out, I'm coming to terms with them)

When I went into labor 7 weeks early, we hadn't
preregistered at the hospital, set up the nursery, met the
pediatrician, finished childbirth classes, made a plaster
mold of my belly, or any of the other 1000 things I wanted
to do before he got here. I even scheduled to quit work on
December 23 so I'd have 7 whole weeks to myself. I had him
on December 22. My pregnancy had been, to that point, the
happiest time of my life. And I do feel a bit robbed of
it. A feeling that I'm sure cemented itself with how
poorly labor and delivery followed my wishes. Then for
them to transfer my little boy to another hospital before I
ever held him. . . and I couldn't even move my legs
because of the epidural. Just thinking about it makes me
cry.

It was disappointing.

But he makes it all better. When I have Cayden in my arms,
and he grabs my finger, and I look into his eyes, it's all
better. I am still. And blessed. And elated.

I will probably always mourn those last few weeks that I
missed of my pregnancy. It's the motherhood experience
that i signed on for, and then didn't get it. But I will
mourn it like a long-gone friend, reminiscently, and
peripherally, because my heart is so full of the joy he
brings me even when he cries at 4 am after I just fell
asleep.

Thanks for listening everyone.




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