BeautyFiend

The void
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2003-01-15 12:46:29 (UTC)

confused once again.

Again i'm confused and i don't even know what about!my
mother has been yelling at me for the past few days about
the amount of time i spend on the internet,it's not like my
eyes are going to go square or anything. i mean , i go to
college and go out at the weekend i'm not on here all the
time. i honestly think they are being deliberatley
unreasonable just as an excuse to get rid of the internet.
then i got my letter about this poxy scan iv'e got to have.
it's kinda scary. and it's not like iv'e had anything like
this before so it's all new and unexpected.
my mates are being their usual selves again. meaning they r
still having petty arguements amongst one another.(someones
bitching behind someone else's back etc..general infant
school stuff).
guess iv'e just been having one of those weeks again, but
every week seems to be 'one of those weeks' now.i'm ok,
really i am, i have to be otherwise what am i going to do?
waste away in the same four walls listening to the voices
in my head that tell me i'm worthless? no..i think not.
i may compile a tape, a compiliation of songs to be
depressed by. music has always helped me when i've been
down in the past. i just listen to the lyrics and think to
myself " well, i guess someone must understand to be able
to write a song about it." lets me know i'm not alone.
my current choice of CD is Deftones-White pony. a somewhat
mellow album i guess. well Digital Bath ( the best song
ever) knife party and change are mellow, the rest are more
for anger relief, kinda..prancing around your room trying
to cheer yourself up by acting like a total pratt and
making yourself laugh...only me that does that then.:-/
i think i may have worked out what bothers me about my
friends. it's not them, it's me. i just want to
be 'popular'for once. 'popular' is the only word i can use
i suppose. for want of a better one.
all my life i've been the quiet one that never says much
and just sits there looking scared and timid.i'm sick of
that. it's not me at all, i'm not scared and timid in any
way. i'm better than that and i just want people to know
that.i know i'm not exaggerating about them ignoring me and
not inviting me out all the time. it's because they have
the confidence to meet and get to know new people and i
don't, that's why they never invite me anywhere and push me
away from conversations.but in reality
nothings going to change is it? unless i suddenly become
really loud and outgoing and that's not going to happen, so
i'll have to like it or lump it.
my boyfriend tries his best to make me feel better and
most of the time he does, but it's not going to dissapear
really.he wishes he could do more but there is nothing he
can do apart from be there for me when i need someone to
talk to and just cheer me up and make me laugh. they say
laughter is a cure for everything and that's something i
agree with. i love him so much and i don't want to be
depressing him with my practially NON-EXISTANT 'problems'.
he says it's fine and that he wants to help but it bothers
me because he has his own things to think about.
sometimes i think maybe i create things to worry about just
because i can. most of what is meant to be bothering me i
can't even remember!i'm fucked up, i really am and i can't
do anything about it.


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